OR jokes
Where would you take Stephen Hawking if he dies, the funeral directors or PC World?
One night my brother asked me, "Am I a pro gamer?" I said, "No, you're not a Pro-grammer."
My friend told me that he saw a yacht went close in to the yeti's eye, so I said to my friend, "Did the yeti kiss?" But my friend said, "No, the yeti have to play games every single day, or the yeti will die."
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
Top G advice: You’re either a smart fella or a fart smella.
Smash or pass
Ok, ok, who is trying to be my "long lost brother"? Because last time I checked, I didn't have any sisters or brothers, so stop trying to steal my fame from me and give up. A lot of other people already know you are fake, so get off this website OR JUST STOP!!!
When someone has an imaginary friend, you call them weird and crazy.
But when a group of people have an imaginary friend, you call it religion. :)
Whoever is an orphan and wants these to go, or if you just want them to go away, comment down below, or if you can't comment, give it a thumbs up!
Is depression sadness or happiness? I call it a fun time.
My friend is upset with me because I sniffed his grandmother's nickers. Not sure if it was because she was still wearing them or if it was because the whole family was watching. Either way, the rest of her funeral was really awkward.
Before the chicken or the egg, there was only Chuck Norris.
What's the difference between a dead person and a walkie-talkie?
A dead person does not walkie or talkie.
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on outings.
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas?
Gloves........ just kidding, he hasn’t opened it yet.
Doctor: What makes you feel depressed?
Me: Seeing others happy.
Doctor: Ok, so what makes you happy?
Me: Seeing stupid people in misery or agony.
Doctor: Well, that's rather sadistic.
Me: Well, statistically one in two doctors have fingered a child...
Doctor: Do you want your prescription or shall I book you an endoscopy?
Me: There's nothing hidden inside me, I'm empty "smug face".
I believe in a woman's right to choose...
...whether she wants to cook first and then clean or clean first and then cook.
What does a gun and gum have in common?
When you pull one out, everyone wants to be your friend.
What are two things you could call a fart?
"Gas from the ass" or "Odor from the motor!"
I miss the good old days when you could have a light joke at someone else's expense. Like doing that marital rape thing, it never used to be called that. It used to be called "serving your husband" or "wifely duties". The real joke is that it was legal until 1990.
Why is that a joke?
Because it is piss funny seeing the look on her face when she wakes up in the middle of coitus.
Why is that a joke?
Dude, come on, you want to start your day off happy or not?
Why is that a joke?
She literally looks like she just seen a ghost and sort of flops about trying to fend you off like a rag doll. It's piss funny.
No seriously, dude, why is that a joke? It sounds more like a felony.
Dark humor is like food:
Not everyone gets it.
Or a kid with cancer, it never gets old.