One jokes
One day Little Johnny's class is having an English lesson. The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word intelligent in a sentence?" Little Mary says, "The teacher is very intelligent." The teacher asks them, "Who can use the word fashionable in a sentence?" Little Suzie says, "They are very fashionable." The teacher says, "Johnny, why don't you have a go? Use the word dictate in a sentence." Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "Last night I heard Daddy asking Mommy 'Darling how does my dictate'"
What is the one thing wrong with Asian pet stores?...
There is always a kitchen in the back.
What is the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish funeral? One less drunk.
How do you make a dead baby float?
Two scoops of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby!
There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"
Your mama so fat, when she stepped on the scale, it said, "One at a time."
Three men walk into a bar... you would have thought the last one would have ducked.
Wanna hear a clean one?
Old man takes a bath with bubbles.
Wanna hear a dirty one?
Bubbles is the 14 year old next door.
What's terrible? Three dead babies nailed to one tree.
What's worse than that? One dead baby nailed to three trees.
No one wanted to hear my ocean puns, they said they were too fishy.
Pedophile: You dropped your candy.
Girl: Thanks!
Pedophile stares as she slowly bends over to pick up her candy.
Pedophile: It looks a bit dirty, do you wanna come back to my house and get a new one?
Girl: How far is your house?
Pedophile: It's that white one right over there.
Girl: You mean that van next to a dumpster?
Pedophile: Yep, it's that one.
Girl:.... Sure! :P
Audience:.........Dumbass girl.
What did one brain cell say to the other brain cell?
"I think I feel a connection!"
What makes a joke a dad joke?
I don't know. I don't even have one as an example.
By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.
I had a friend who was a deep sleeper. One day, a fire started in his house. Now he's a really deep sleeper.
I tried to stick to One Direction, but then they started to shoot the gay bar...
What did one hurricane say to the other?
"I got my EYE on you!"
Yo mama is so fat, when she got on the scale it said, "One at a time, please."
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says, "Can I have a drink of H2O?" Then the second says, "Can I have a drink of H2O2?" and he dies.
So, two condoms walk by a gay bar. What does one condom say to the other? "Hey, wanna get 'shit-faced?'"