Q: What's the difference between a nun and a woman in a bathtub?
A: One has hope in her soul and one has soap in her hole.
A Sunday school teacher asked her children on the way to service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."
In a Catholic school cafeteria, a nun places a note in front of a pile of apples, "Only take one. God is watching." Further down the line is a pile of cookies. A little boy makes his own note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?” The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?” “Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:
How many Jews does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to light up the room with space lasers so the other can see, and one to screw it in.
What does a Jewish man say when he sees a caricature of his face?
"We need to circumcise that one."
Two Indians are walking beside a river...
One reaches down into the mud and runs it through his fingers.
"The White Man was here."
"How can you tell?"
"We're speaking English, aren’t we?"
An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.
It's quite obvious to each of the three men where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you, do you? This is my seat, after all."
The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistanis and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"
The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are, and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know it's going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a Coke!"
The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to where the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistanis spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a Coke.
Then the other Pakistani says, "You know what brother? I would also like a Coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a Coke.
Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each other's shoes and peeing in each other's Cokes?"
What is the difference between the government and organized crime?
Only one of them is organized.
I told one of my friends, "You're the reason why gene pools have lifeguards."
Trying to find a good parking spot is a lot like trying to find a girlfriend.
If you can’t find one, you stick it in the disabled spot and hope nobody finds out.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue, you look like a donkey, and smell like one, too.
POV them: What's one move to get a man motivated in bed?
Her: All you gotta give is that hawk tuah and spit on that thang, you get me?
How many gay guys does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Just one... But it takes the entire emergency room to take it out.
What’s the difference between white people and Black people?
One runs from the police, one runs for the police.
How many gays does it take to put in a light bulb?
Only one... but it takes the entire Emergency Room to get it out.
What’s the difference between my ex and a unicycle?
A unicycle can only take one person at a time.
My dad told me a joke one time. When I realized the joke, the second tower was hit.
