Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.
I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.
That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!
I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"
Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!
Japan takes credit for creating the rice cooker, but they forgot the USA made the largest one in 1945 and sent it to Japan.
Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.
If Donald Trump gets any worse, they'll have to replace Air Force One with a short bus.
I heard Danielle Smith likes trains.
So I told her to go stand in front of one.
So I was at a restaurant and I really hit it off with the waitress, so one thing led to another and I'm at her place and she was really nice at the IHOP but when I was there with her she was all like "ahhh! what are you doing!?!?!? how did you get in my house?!?!?" and then she punched me and I'm the one who ended up in prison.
There are a lot of upsides to being an orphan.
For one, you never have to worry about your jokes being family friendly.
Katy Perry can't sing, can't dance, doesn't write music, is unbelievably ugly, and is unable to decipher maths or science. Really though, I didn't realize going down on a record executive would later lead her to be one of the people able to go to space.
"Can we at least give them one credit—for abiding the traffic laws?"
Q: What's the difference between Danielle Smith and a flying piece of shit? A: One letter.
What's the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
My wife told me to stop being an idiot.
I told her, "Which one do you want?"
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because we shot the last one that had a dream.
Why do black people only have nightmares?
Because the last one to have a dream got shot. (Martin Luther King joke)
Why'd Billy get fired from the banana factory?
He kept throwing with the bent one.
What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?
"Make me one with everything."
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree?
Hold on to your nuts, this one's gonna blow!
This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator.
I was staring at boobs, and she said, "Press One?"
So I did...
I don't remember much after that.
