Old jokes

What's an old Japanese man's last words?

"Hey, that cloud looks like a mushroom, or is it just me?"

Captain America is a 106-year-old virgin.

When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

Roses are red, Violets are blue, Your grandma died, your dad left you too, Now you're living with your old grandma coot. Oh, let's not forget your mom left you, too. You gon' live alone, die alone, with no roses on your casket, too.

Yo mama's so old, she was a waitress at the Last Supper.

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

What does a sex offender that is a lesbian have in common with a sex offender that is a feminist?

They only performed cunnilingus on girls under 18 years old.

Let's hope the new tower doesn't go plane watching like the old ones.

North Tower: "Hey, South Tower, we can talk later; I gotta catch a plane!"

What's the difference between a Chinese person and an old person?

One lasts long and another doesn't.

I got a PS5 for my nine-year-old sister. At the time, I thought it was the best trade I’d ever made. But now I’m regretting not being able to molest her anymore.

What does an orphan have in common with an 80-year-old woman? Their parents will never come back.

If R. Kelly was a therapist:

14 year old: I hate my life.

R. Kelly: I feel you.

If she’s old enough to breed, she’s old enough for me.

3 year old boy: 1... 2...uh....?

Older brother: Ooh I know! 1, 2, 3 get the fuck off my apple tree!

Why should old women never eat seafood?

'Cause then she'll start acting crabby.

White 40 year olds love little white kids, and so does Trump! The biggest hands to touch the kids and his daughter!

So, I was at the gas station drinking a Slurpee when I heard an old lady start talking to me. She says, "Hey, can you check my balance?" so she could buy a chocolate bar.

So, I pushed her over and said, "Not much."

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money, and he asks the bartender what's up with that jar of money.

Bartender says you gotta do 3 tasks. He takes the shot of Jack, and the customer says, "What are the tasks?" He says, "The 1st one is, well the 1st 1 is, I got about a 12' gator in the back that's got a bad tooth, and you gotta pull it." He says, "All right, what's the 2nd 1?" He said, "I got a big old girl upstairs that ain't had no loving in a long time, you gotta make her smile." He takes another shot of Jack. He said, "All right, what's the 3rd 1?" He said, "You see that horse outside, you gotta make him laugh and cry."

Guy goes upstairs, goes out back, comes out to the front, comes back in. The other customer said, "Give him the jar." The guy says, "I took care of that lady's tooth, and I made that alligator smile."

"Well how'd you make the horse laugh?" he said. "Easy, I told him I had a bigger deck then him."

Bartender says, "How did you make him cry?" He said, "Easy, I showed him."

What's the difference between Kobe Bryant and Jeffrey Epstein?

Only 2 13-year-olds went down on Kobe's helicopter.

You're old enough to remember when emojis were called "hieroglyphics."