OH jokes

Muffin

One day, there were two muffins in an oven. One of the muffins said, "Man, it's hot in here." The other one said, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!!!"

Religion

"Amen, "Amen," "Amen."

Hail Satan.

............

Oh, sorry. I forgot which religion I was pretending to respect.

  • 2
  • 1
  • Necrophilia

    So, a man finds a woman on a train track while he's on his way to a bar, and they had a lot of sex.

    When he gets to the bar, he brags about the different sex positions they used, and one of the guys says, "Oh, did you do head?"

    He responded with, "No, I couldn't find the head."

    Orphan

    I was walking till I saw a kid sitting on the street. I walked over there and said, "Where are your parents?" He cried even more.

    Oh, I just love talking to orphans.

    Jesus

    Jesus takes his disciples to a bar.

    "13 pints of water, please," he says to the barman.

    "Oh, fuck, not you again," the barman replies.

    "You boys are about to see something real special," says Jesus.

    Memes

    Pecker

    So little Susie came home and said, "Mom, little Johnny showed me his pecker."

    And her mom said, "WHAT?!"

    And little Susie was like, "Yeah, it reminded me of a peanut." Her mom said, "Oh, because it was so small?"

    Susie said, "No, because it tasted salty."

    Counselor

    The depressed kid walked into the counselor's office.

    "I'm feeling like killing myself," he said.

    "Oh no! Don't worry, sweetie, just hang in there!," the counselor responded.

    Class

    Teacher: Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.

    Class: No one stands up.

    Teacher: Oh, c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb. *teacher waves her finger around the left side of the room.*

    Little Johnny: *stands up.*

    Teacher: Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?

    Little Johnny: No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.

    Asshole

    A policeman found a dead body of a man on the street. He thought he recognized the body and the 2 friends he usually hung out with, so he called in one of the friends.

    The friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." The policeman called in the 2nd friend. The 2nd friend looked into the dead body's face and said, "Yep, that's definitely Joe," but then, to be absolutely sure, he turned the body over, pulled down the back of his pants, and said, "Oh no, wait, that's not Joe." Confused, the policeman asked, "How is it that when you look into his face you're sure he is your friend, but when you look at his ass you're sure he is not?"

    The 1st friend said, "Well, you see, Joe has 2 assholes." "Are you serious?" the policeman asked. "Oh yes," he replied, "we've never actually seen them, but when the 3 of us hang out together people point and say, 'Hey, there's Joe with those 2 assholes.'"

    Name

    Girl 1: Dad, why is my name Rose?

    Dad: Because a rose landed on your head.

    Girl 2: Hey, Dad, why is my name Daisy?

    Dad: Because a daisy landed on your head.

    Boy: Hitddvjkyrefbhhhrurrrr!

    Dad: Oh, hey Brick!

  • 5
  • Bike

    You'd think my son would be happy that Daddy bought him a new bike. But no... oh no, he just sits in his wheelchair and cries like a little girl.

  • 6
  • Dad

    Can you make me a bowl of cereal? Oh wait, your dad never came back with the milk.

    Fetus

    What's similar between a 14 year old pregnant girl and the fetus inside of her?

    They're both thinking, "Oh shit, my mom's going to kill me!"

    Patient

    Patient: Oh, doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.

    Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.

    Oven

    What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler?

    “Oh my god, put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!”

    Sex

    Your dick is so small it's the size of a tic tac. Oh, that's why your mom's breath was so fresh last night.

  • 0
  • 1
  • Tiger

    One time I saw a manatee all spray painted to look like a tiger. Needless to say, the first thing I yelled was, "OH! THE HUMANATEE!"

    Sex

    Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"

    Man: "Yes!"

    Reporter: "Name?"

    Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."

    Reporter: "Sex?"

    Man: "Three to five times a week."

    Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"

    Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."

    Reporter: "Holy cow!"

    Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."

    Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"

    Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."

    Reporter: "Oh dear!"

    Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

  • 1
  • Kidnapping

    One man walks up to another and says, "Hey, did you hear about the kidnapping at Main Street?" The guy says, "No." The other guy says, "Oh, he woke up."