Now jokes

As a kid, I used to eat a sour herb from a certain spot near a rock.

Now I pee on it, just following the ritual of Africa.

I slit my wrist and said, "THAT'S A LOT OF DAMAGE!" So I did it again, but with a knife and said, "NOW *THAT'S* A LOT OF DAMAGE!" I then put watertight Flex Seal on the wound, and it didn't seal.

Once in 4th grade, right now, I told a random tree, "Hey, my day is bad right now, can we hang later?"

The tree said: "Yeah, we are going to be hanging every day :) !!! If you can last :)"

Why are orphans running around the world after the baseball coach said, "Go home"?

Because he didn’t know what the hell to do.

I always say no to drugs, but considering that I'm talking to them right now, I probably already said yes.

On a winter day many play.

Some with snow, and I with ice Used as a device to slice Somehow I'm colder now.

A friend of mine told me something that I cannot forget, and I am now traumatized to hell. The next day a kid was set for an amber alert that looked exactly like my DEAR friend! :)

Life's a bitch, and then you die. I now see what they mean.

I scanned an emo girl's arm the other day. Now I own her, only 3.99 with tax. That's a steal and a half, woopeeee!

So there was this guy who went swimming one day and got his left side bitten off by a shark.

But don't worry, he is all right now.

Man: Could you hold this for me?

Kid: Ok mister! I love playing with a pew pew! Pow! Pew! Pew! Bang! *GUNSHOT*

Man: Dammit, now who am I gonna put in the van?!

Me say, "Crack my finger."

My hubby crack my finger.

Now say it backwards.

Where are you right now?

Looking at a fake joke? You are a waste of time and space.

A man lost his left arm.

He's all right now.

"Where ya going?"

"When I die, hell, but right now, my room."

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Control freak.

Con...

Ok, now you say, "Control freak who?"

What's the different when a little boy drops in Japan then and now?

When a little boy falls today he gets back up. But then everyone fell and never came back up.

The longer the relationship, the longer the breakup will hurt you. Better break up now ooo.🤣

Thank you, anonymous user, for helping me with math a few months ago.

Now I got a 31 on the ACT.

Attention to everyone, I'm not going to be on for 2 weeks because I was in a bike accident, or more like a motorcycle accident. I was ran off the road when my 16 year old brother was taking me for a ride. Now I can't use my legs cause, well, you know. I will be taking a break because I don't want to move my legs that much.