Nothing Jokes

Little Johnny walked to his parents' room. They were having sex, and Little Johnny didn’t know what that was, so he said, "What are y’all doing?"

The parents replied, "Umm, r-rapping presents!"

Little Johnny said, "Okay," and then left. In the morning, Little Johnny opened his presents. His parents said, "This one is from Santa!"

Little Johnny said, "No, it’s not, y’all said y’all were rapping the presents."

The parents said, "Ohh fuck!"

Little Johnny replied, "What, Mommy and Daddy?" They replied, "Oh, nothing!" "Oh, okay," Little Johnny said. The mom whispered in the dad's ear, "At least he doesn’t know the truth."

Little Johnny said, "What truth?"

What’s the difference between my lawn and my wrists?

Nothing, I cut both of them.

Teacher: Okay class, look at the person to the right of you and describe them with one word.

Me: *looks to the right of me and sees the pick-me girl* "Penny."

Teacher: *shocked* How is she a penny?

Me: 'Cause she's two-faced, flat, and always in someone's pants. Not to mention worth practically nothing.

You have two parts of [your] brain, "left" and "right". In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.

What did the fish say when he swam into a wall?

Nothing, because fish can't talk.

What did the wall say to the other wall? Nothing, because they are walls.

Go up to your friend and say: "It smells like updog."

They will likely reply: "What's updog?"

To which you reply: "Nothing much, what about you?"

You know what pun is used for "waist?"

Nothing. You'll find nothing.

It's just a waste of time.

Toast is like parents.

If they are both black, you have nothing to eat.

Money means nothing to me. Ask me for it, you will get nothing.

They say Jesus walked on water.

That's nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

What is green and looks like a school bus?

A school bus.

I had asked my dog what 2 - 2 is...

She said nothing.

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Why do they call it America when literally nothing is free?

9/11 called for help. What did that get? Nothing.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Nothing, because numbers don’t have consciences.

Magician: "I am the greatest magician in the whole world. Look, now you see the rabbit in the hat, and now it is gone!"

Redneck girl: "That's nothing. My dad is the greatest magician! He disappears for a whole year and reappears at Christmas for a couple of hours!"

What did a tree say to the tomato?

Nothing! Trees don't talk, silly.