Nothing jokes

A priest sees a man about to commit suicide. The man says, "I have nothing to live for here. I will die, go to Heaven, and get 72 virgins." Then the priest says, "No need for this. I will take you to the local elementary school."

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine!

Why do they call it America when literally nothing is free?

I once dated a math teacher. It turned out she was nothing but problems.

9/11 called for help. What did that get? Nothing.

Why is 6 afraid of 7? Nothing, because numbers don’t have consciences.

Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.

The tortoise can't go out to play, Or sell his house or rent it. For when he moves, his house moves too, And nothing can prevent it.

Why did God steal a rib from Adam and make a woman out of it?

God wanted to show that nothing sensible can come of stealing!

What did the passengers of the plane say when they saw the airplane strip? Nothing, because it was not an airplane strip, but a tower.

What's the difference between a crumbled man and 9/11... nothing, they're both crumbled.

Cool people: I can do anything.

Normal people: I can do nothing.

Try to make a joke, but not about yourself.

Well, I have nothing.

What’s the difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing; no one cares how much lead is in the kids.

What's the difference between 911 and the stock market in the 1930's?

Nothing, they both crashed.

Chrome turns you into chrome, but there is a chrome back bling, and it does nothing to you.

You're a train; you ran fast on these rails, but you gain nothing, you only gain pain.

What does a blind man crying and an unplugged TV have in common?

Nothing can be seen when they get turned on.

Yesterday my mom forgot to go grocery shopping, and I was starving, so I kept opening the fridge about 100 times, but nothing new was in there.

What do you call it when you see nothing but pants? Brief psychotic disorder!