Not jokes

I'm not lazy, I'm just bone tired. I bet that one tickled your funny bone. It sure got me rattled. Don't try to stop me. I've got a skele-ton of these!

Jim's car is swerving all over the road, so a cop pulls him over. "Step out of the car," says the cop. "I am going to need you to take a breathalyzer test." "I can't," Jim responds. "You see, I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack." "Alright," says the cop, "then you're going to have to take a blood test." "Can't do that either," Jim responds. "I am a hemophiliac, if a wound is opened, I won't stop bleeding, and I could bleed to death." "Ok," the cop answers, "then I will need a urine sample." "Sorry," says Jim, "I also have diabetes, that could push my sugar count really low." "Fine, so just come on out, and walk a straight line for me." "Can't do that either," responds Jim. "Why not?" demanded the exasperated cop. "Well, because I'm drunk!"

You know when you sign up for something and it says "I'm not a robot"? I guess he never had the chance to tick that.

Why did the skeleton not go to the dance?

Because he’s dead.

You idiot.

Dark humor is like food.

Not everyone gets it.

The person who made it a law to not hurt girls is stupid because we've all kicked a pregnant woman before we were even born.

I’m giving in my two week resignation to life... it’s not you ... it’s me!!!

Society: :-)

I: :')

Society: you're doing it WRONG. It's :-) not :')

I: :'D

Wanna know why not to joke about 9/11? They usually crash the party.

Why are Muslims not fond of American cops?

Because Muslims don't like pigs!

Chuck Norris has a bear rug in his living room. It's not dead or anything, it's just too scared to move.

Person 1: Stop making suicidal jokes!

Person 2: Okay, okay, I’ll cut it out.

Person 1: Really?

Person 2: They're not even that deep.

I'm jealous of your heart because it's pumping in you and I'm not.

Neo-Confederates all claim to be about "heritage" not "hate". Well, if your heritage consists of Kelly Clarkson, riding on siblings, and treating Donald Trump as if he's the second coming, then it really sucks to be you.

The people in Florida yelling "White Power!" is amusing, because when they get permanent sunburn from the Florida sun, they are not white anymore.

You do 1 line, you're not a crackhead. You drink 1 beer, you're not an alcoholic. But I murder 1 person...

Why do people not play Uno with Mexicans? Because they are always stealing the green cards.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

Friend 1: Eyyy gurl

Me: Hey! (Fake smile)

Friend 2: Hey g-guys what 'bout we play would you rather?

6 hours later

Friend 2: So (name) would u rather? 1. "Hang" out with me Or 2. "Jump" 1 times?

Me...e-eh?...Why not both????? We could just "Jump" while "Hanging" out right?

So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!