Not jokes
So, I’m not sure if it’s a joke, but I thought it was funny. So imagine you try to die by shooting yourself, but you sneeze and pull the trigger... I don't know about you, but I would’ve been mad. Because wtf, I wasn’t readyyyy!
What do you call a happy child swinging with her friends at recess?
Not Sally.
It's not rape if you're both crying.
Why can Michael Jackson not play chess? Because he can't pick which side he is on, the white or black side.
Emo jokes are not funny, so cut it out.
Memes
Want to watch Titanic?
No, I'm not on board for it.
What do you call a boomerang that does not come back?
An orphan's parents.
Why hasn't my dad come back? No seriously, I'm not joking.
The number 13? Not on my watch!
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
Why can orphans not go on field trips? They need a parent signature.
Nazis have marched in Melbourne. Are you sure Eric Clapton and Carrie Underwood are not touring in Australia?
After long consideration, I've decided to get a zebra tattoo on my wrist. Not like anyone will notice the difference.
"The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem." - Jack Sparrow
Dad: Son, who do you want to marry when you grow up?
Son: A ugly girl.
Dad: Why not a pretty girl?
Son: A pretty one might run away.
Dad: So an ugly one might too.
Son: Yeah, but who cares?
People claim that Trump has Russian ties. That’s not true, just some crazy conspiracy theorists. All of Trump's ties are made in China.
How is sex like air? It’s not a big deal unless you aren’t getting any.
Friend: Did your tattoos hurt?
Me: Nah, not really.
Friend: What did they feel like?
Me: 7th grade.
Friend: 😶😶😨😰😰😰😨
A wild Iceberg appears! Titanic uses ram! It is not very effective. (Titanic sinks.)
A baby skunk's mother gets hit by a car, so the baby skunk doesn't know what he is.
So the baby skunk walks up to a baby bunny and asks, "What are you?" The baby bunny replies, "Well, I'm a baby bunny. What are you?" The baby skunk says, "Well, I don't know, am I a baby bunny too?"
The baby bunny says, "No, you're not a baby bunny." So the baby skunk asks, "Well, what am I then?"
The baby bunny replies, "Well, you're not exactly blank and you're not exactly white, so you must be Mexican."