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Teacher: What’s 2+2?

Jimmy: 2+2=feEesh

Teacher: Well, Jimmy I can see you're going places, not college, but places.

Q: How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: Not three. My damn basement is still dark...

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    • Are you enjoying my yolks? I bet they're making you crack up. If not, I better scramble.

    Aren't my egg yolks amazing? Don't they make you crack up? If not, I better scramble!

    Why didn’t Steven Hawking go to heaven? Because it was a stairway, not a rampway.

    What's the difference between a bear with a gun and an American man with a gun?

    The bear has common sense not to fire it.

  • 2

    • I was submitting this joke, and I realized Stephen Hawking couldn't.

    It had the reCAPTCHA "I'm not a robot."

    One day a guy named Carson is called a jerk, and he says, "I went to a party with my girlfriend, and this random guy walks up to us and says, 'Can I borrow your girlfriend for 30 minutes?' I say yes, and he takes her upstairs. It was not only 30 minutes, but an hour. When she came back down, she was out of breath, so I knew it was a pretty intense conversation." This happens about 3 more times that night.

    But as I was saying, only a nice guy would let his girlfriend make friends with other guys. 😊😇

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Banana.

    Banana who?

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Banana.

    Banana who?

    Knock, knock.

    Who's there?

    Orange.

    Orange who?

    Orange you glad I did not say banana? Ha ha!

    Three nuns died in a car crash. They went up to heaven at the pearly gates. The gatekeeper said, "This really should not have happened, so I am going to send you back to earth as different people. Tell me who you want to be or look like." The first nun said, "I want to look like Madonna." Puff, you look like her now, but you can’t use her name. And sent her down to earth. The second one said, "I want to look like Marilyn Monroe." He then makes her look like her and sends her down to earth. The third nun said, "I want to look like Sarah Pipalini." The gatekeeper says to her, "Sarah Pipalini, who is that?" She gives the gatekeeper a newspaper article. He reads it, shakes his head no, and says, "It’s not Sarah Pipalini, it's Sahara pipeline laid by 500 men."

  • 3

    • Guy #1 is being picked up by Guy #2 from the hospital.

    Guy #1: Oh man, I just got my prostate checked. It's not looking good.

    Guy #2: Why, what is it?

    Guy #1: Turns out, I have prostate cancer.

    Guy #2: Oh man that sucks...

    Guy #1: Yeah, it's a real pain in the ass!

    My friend said to me, "How do you spell Tom?" and I said, "T-O-M-M." He said, "That's not how you spell 'it's Tom.' You have to take out one 'M'."

    So I said, "But which one?"

    I got a heart pain then I went to [the] hospital. When the doctor says I am dead, but I run then I jump. I am not dead!