News jokes

I’m a god, and I’m here to flex on you bitches. My flight to New York on September 11th was rocky, but I lived.

Imagine dying on a plane, fr. At least try and respawn:/

Happy New Year! 🍆🍑🍆🍑

🎆 New Year's Eve

Lil Johnny👦: "Every year the same, people always have to start banging before midnight!"

Mom👱🏻‍♀️: "Johnny, would you please leave the bedroom now?"

Dad👨🏻‍🦰: "Son, if you don't leave, it'll bang on your head!"

I think I'm colorblind. News came out of purple.

What do you call someone who gets killed at 12 o'clock on New Year's? First kill of the match.

The police department made a new machine that will teleport you back to prison if you commit a crime. The police release 4 criminals: a hacker, a rapist, a serial killer, and a drug lord. The hacker tries to hack a bank. The hacker gets teleported back to prison. The drug lord tries to cook meth. The drug lord gets teleported back to prison. Now the serial killer decides that she wants to change, but when she sees a knife she just can’t help it. She bends down to pick up the knife and the rapist gets teleported back to prison.

What's the twin towers' favorite football team?

New York Jets.

Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.

What is the similarity between an orphan and the new Spider-Man movie, "There's No Way Home"?

Did you hear the news? Michael Jackson died because he choked on 7-year-old nuts and balls.

When I was your age, we had Wacko Jacko, not Florida Man.

What did the terrorist do when New York didn’t want his food:

Here comes the airplane.

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

It's funny how teachers are supposed to educate new lives, but only teach certain kids how much they want to commit suicide and how many ways there are.

Kobe Bryant helicopter crash jokes daily.

Did you hear about that new emo pizza? It cuts itself!

What did a terrorist say when New York didn't want his food?

"Here Comes The Airplane!"

Anyone wanna chat? I'm new and don't know many people.

If you get a new bed, you have more bedroom, but less bedroom.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.