Newness jokes

My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"

Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?

Warner Brothers have made a new Superman movie with Superman being black.

This new Superman's nickname is the "Man of Steel" but it's spelled s-t-e-a-l.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.

(Extra Cholesterol)

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Dad: If you study, then I will buy you a new iPhone.

Son: Okay, I'll do it!

5 hours later...

Son: I'm done!

Dad: I lied.

Son: So did I!

Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.

Why does New York have the Jets as their football team if those are what took out the Twin Towers?

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.

Did you hear about the new Oasis restaurant?

Every time you order soup, you got a roll with it.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

New Gen iPhones are designed for orphans, because they don’t need a home button.

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.