Newness jokes

How many dead babies does it take to put in a new light bulb? Not thirteen, cuz my basement is still dark. Let's try fourteen.

Have you heard of the new sequel to "The Exorcist"?

A woman hires the devil to get a priest out of her son.

What does a cop say when you shoot a ginger?

I guess orange is the new black.

A 28 year old woman, Olga, in Meshchovsk, Russia took justice into her own hands when a 32 year old male robber, Viktor, decided to rob her salon. She tied him, feeding him only Viagra, having sex with him over and over. After a few days, she released him after he stated he learned his lesson and wouldn't go to the police. He lied and went to the police anyways. Both were arrested.

After his sentence was over, Viktor sat down to speak to the local news. The reporter asked Viktor, "How was this whole ordeal?" Viktor replied, "I've had better."

What does a broken down vegetable say?

I need new wheels.

So, I was fucking this bitch, right, and I thought I had AIDS.

So I go and get tested. Turns out I did get AIDS. Now what I'm wondering is where the hell does an eight-year-old get AIDS?! I guess my sister needs new friends...

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014, at 10:37 AM.

Breaking news: Man with Alzheimer's forgets he's blind and recovers from visual impairment.

A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"

I got a new Lego airplane set from my friend... oddly, there were also two towers included in the box as well.

I have a better method of abortion than currently used. It's like a regular one, except you can get free food out of it... We're about to give baby-back ribs a whole new meaning.

A man walked into a shop and asked the shop keeper for a potato clock.

The shop keeper said, "I don't know what a potato clock is."

The man said, "Me neither, but I'm starting a new job and my boss told me work starts at 9, so I'd have to get a potato clock."

Your mama so fat, when Pennywise said, "We all float down here," he saw her and suddenly knew he was mistaken.

What time do terrorists arrive in New York City?

9:11 AM

According to unofficial sources, a new simplified income-tax form consists of only four lines:

1. What was your income for the year?

2. What were your expenses?

3. How much have you left?

4. Send it in.

Bin Laden’s kid comes sad from school.

“Dad, I got an F in Geography class!”

“Why is that?”

“The teacher asked me what’s the tallest building in New York and I said ‘Empire State Building.’”

Bin Laden waits a moment and then replies, “Let dad handle this one.”

On 9/11, the New Yorks lost to the Jets.

I’ve been munching away on these new Tic Tacs recently and honestly, they are really good.

It’s a little strange how they came in a bottle labeled “Ibuprofen” though, and really, I’m starting to feel a little sick. The bottle’s almost empty though, so it’s time to get some more!

Why are people from New York so bad at chess?

Because they quickly lose two towers (rooks).

A husband came back from a business trip and found out that his wife was pregnant. At first, he got a bit suspicious, but then he just ignored it and hugged his wife with happiness. The second when he met his friend and told him the news, the friend just said, "Wait, what? I thought she was on pills!"