Newness jokes

My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"

Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?

We used to be the tallest buildings in New York...

Then we took an Arab to the knee.

A man was kneeling on the church floor, crying desperately in front of the large wooden statue of Christ.

"My headphones are broken, Lord... I'm desperate... What should I do? Guide me!"

And the Lord appeared in the form of bright light, and the strong, deep voice filled the man's soul.

"WELL BUY NEW ONES, YOU DUMBASS!"

And so he did.

There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.

What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.

What does a cop say when they shoot ginger?

"Orange is the new black."

Hillary Clinton lost last time to the first African American president, Barack Obama. Why will she lose this one to Donald Trump?

Because orange is the new black.

I heard Steven Spielberg is coming out with a new movie about fat people called E.C.

(Extra Cholesterol)

What do I and a brand new chandelier have in common?

One of these days, we’re both gonna be hanging from the ceiling.

Did you hear? There is a new toy for boys ages 2-10. It's called Jackson. A tiny white doll, with black Jackson. Get it while supplies last.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I got a toaster for my birthday and said, "Yay, new bath bomb!"

Why did he die? He forgot to get a new GPU for his new PC.

“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.

I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”

I posted up on my story that I got a new cut. My friends and family called the cops...

I used to be emo.

Just remembering the day when the Jets beat the New York Giants.

Have you heard about the new cereal?

It's called "Prostituties."

They don't snap, crackle, or pop, but they sure do bang!

I visited my new friend in his apartment. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

Welcome to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces.

I wonder if Stephen Hawking was an organ donor because I need new parts for my go-kart.

What do a jack-o-lantern and an emo have in common?

They can both carve a new emotion.