Heard Stephen Hawking is in a new movie and that the theme tune is absolutely banging. Think the opening line goes something like, “They see me rolling, they hating.”
How do you turn a baby into a dog?
Douse it in gasoline, light a match, *WOOF*!
So, some thieves robbed me the other day. They took everything I owned, except for the soap, towels, and deodorant.
Dirty bastards.
How do you give a redneck a circumcision?
You kick his sister in the jaw.
Were you born on the side of the highway because that’s where all mistakes happen?
What do you say to an upset Down syndrome person? "What's bringing you down?"
So Stephen Hawking walked into a bar - just kidding.
You know why I hate paper? It's TEAR-able to the environment.
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.
You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?
I'm friends with 2 letters of the alphabet. I don't know why.
I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
What do you call black people in pool?
Coco Pops.
Surely people would consider putting pedals on wheelchairs so that their arms don't get tired.
What did the watch say to the failing watch company?
"You better watch it!"
Why should you stay away from trees? - Because they wanna be leafed alone.
Why did the man fall off his bike?
Because someone threw a refrigerator at him.
Donald Trump is making hospitals so poor that they are using kidney beans for their transplants.
How did Princess Diana cross the road?
Through the windshield!
What do you say to a magician with autism?
Are you "Autism-ic?"
