Worst Jokes Ever
What's the difference between my car and a hooker? I park my car in a garage instead of leaving it on the side of the road.
A rich man paid for a trip to space, but he couldn't go because the rocket was damaged. He received a refund and an apology.
I'm treated like God when I'm home, I'm usually ignored until someone wants something.
What do you call a sex offender attending church? A priest.
Yo mama is so ugly, even the ugliest person in the world looked like a sword standing next to her.
Somebody called the cops for a school shooting, what a snitch!
Why did Timmy throw the clock out the window?
It reminded him of Arnold Clock, the man convicted of knife raping his wife.
A blonde texts her husband on a cold winter’s morning: "Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."
A man gets captured by cannibals.
Every day they poke him with spears and use his blood to wash down their food. Finally the guy calls the chief over and says, "You can kill me or you can eat me, but I'm tired of getting stuck for drinks."
I was driving through a neighborhood when I saw a sign that said "Autistic Child Zone." Then I thought to myself, "Oh shit, that wasn't a dog!"
Sometimes I look in the mirror and go, "What happened?"
What's the difference between a dog and a rapist?
At least the rapist adds a bit of foreplay before he starts humping people.
Life is all that matters.
DO Not Touch - the worst thing you can read in Braille.
Q: Why are orphans bad at baseball?
A: They can’t find home.
Why did Helen Keller's dog run away? You'd run too if your name was dgergbbfdnbj.
Christopher Columbus: *Sees native Americans* Can I see your land?
Native Americans: Sure, just be care..........
Christopher Columbus: Boonk gang whole lot of gang shit.
The other day I pushed a Chinese woman off the Golden Gate Bridge. I was Wong on so many levels.
What's Stephen Hawking's favorite drug?
Battery acid.
A hired gun gets on a private plane to his next contract. Halfway through the trip, he notices the plane rapidly losing altitude. So he opens that back of the plane and starts tossing out everything he doesn't need: grenades, guns, ammo—unless it was bolted down, it went out. He stopped throwing things out when the plane started to regain altitude.
When the plane lands, he sees some kids giggling on the side of the road. "What's so funny?" he asks.
"Daddy farted and the house blew up," said a singed little boy.