A blind old guy asked me if I had any money to spare. I laughed and said I had a gold tooth.
I don't have any now.
I recently saw a pun contest in NYC. The owners said there was a maximum of 10 puns that I could submit. I wrote 10 puns and submitted all of them in hopes that at least one would win--however, no pun in ten did.
Can I get a glass of water? I will give you anything you ask.
Really, then give me a pond of water.
What's the most expensive haircut in the world?
Chemotherapy.
What do Jim Kelly and Dick Cheney have in common?
They both make terrible hunters.
What has 5 legs, 3 arms, and 2 feet?
The finish line at the Boston Marathon.
What's worse than a bag of dead babies? One at the bottom is still wriggling.
Donald Trump being president is the biggest joke.
Anal.
If you overdose on Viagra, do you die... hard?
What were Brian Cant's last words before he died?
"I used to do it, but now I cant!"
We wrote letters to a kid with cancer. My letter read, "It's a bumpy road but soon you will have a straight path." People didn't realize it was meant for his heart monitor.
I love going to Hooters and looking at the menu... If you know what I mean;)
Guys, go to https://worstjokesever.com/jokes/5b3937c1a328f6072c316bd6/hey-guys-who-wants-to-play-roblox-with-me-we-can-go-om-cool-maps-my-name-is-xx_robloxgamer420_xx-pleeease-lets-play-rol and read the whole thing because I need people to play with, and everyone is being retarded. Thanks guys, goodbye.
Why did Johnny not like the audiobook he got for his birthday?
Johnny was deaf.
My dad was a roof cleaner and I'm dedicating this to him, so dad, if you're up there!
I go in to get a prostate exam. I'm nervous, but the doctor says it's all natural and needs to be done.
So he pulls down my pants and sticks one finger up my ass. I feel it go deeper inside, feeling for abnormalities.
That's when I realize his hands are on my shoulders.
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?" "Your mother." "Duh!"
What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, he isn't coming to you.
What's the best thing about fucking 21 year olds?
There's 20 of them.
