Worst Jokes Ever

They say that bad things happen to good people.

So if you get run over by a car just know you're a good person.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

"Well," he says, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams, "Don't eat it! It's a fucking asshole."

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that little thing?

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.

So, I was f**king my daughter the other night, and I don’t know what was funnier: the looks on my wife’s face when she walked in on me or the fact that the abortion clinic let me keep her.

How many babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Must be more than 9 cause my basement is still dark.

Me and my girlfriend were planning on having sex, but I said me and my little brother share a bunk bed and he’s on the bottom. She said tell him we’re making sandwiches so we came up with a plan. "Tomato" means harder and "cheese" means faster. So we were having sex and she was screaming, "Tomato, tomato, tomato, cheese, cheese, cheese," then my little brother said, "Can y’all stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over my bed."

Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Your brother is gay, and so are you.

Q: What is a Mexican's favorite restaurant?

A: On The Border.

What's the difference between me and an egg?

An egg gets laid.

How did Burger King get Dairy Queen pregnant?

He forgot to wrap his Whopper.

Grandfather's last words: "Stop shaking the ladder, you cunt!"

Grandmother's last words: "You know how to use that hammer."

Dad's last words: "Always aim before you shoot that gun."

Mom's last words: "Turn off the stove when you're done."

My last thought: Am I a murderer?

I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad.

I don't understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy. It usually takes me days.

I guess you can say he xxxpired.

What is a Mexican's favorite sport?

Cross country.

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to your house.

Knock, knock.

"Who's there?"

"Nobody, because chickens don't talk."