Sheep want to wool the world :)
What do sheep hate?
Their enemies: goats!
You work at Papa's Pizzeria, ok?
Boss: You're fired!
Me: Ok?
Worker: Why are you fired?
Me: Oh, you wanna know...
*shows him the oven with my pizza*
Me: I left my pizza in the oven, that bitch burnt as fuck!!
Worker: OH SHIT!!
Boss: Did you say pizza?
Me: I sure did!
*shows boss pizza in oven*
Me: This hoe black as fuck!
Boss: I fired you because I can't stop looking at your ass, not this why?
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have a joke, so are you.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Who.
Who who?
Stop acting like an owl!
Roses are blue, violets are blue.
What? Ohh, shit!!!!!! I hate having dyslexia!
Thankfully, I'm still alive because I fail at everything in life.
What do pedophiles and Sandy Hook have in common?
Shooting up schoolchildren.
Mike, ID is coming tonight.
What do crows use when they get a phone?
A "CAWing" card!
Death once had a near Chuck experience.
What happens when Stephen Hawking dies? Windows plays the shutdown music.
What do you call the ghost of the Thanksgiving turkey? A Poultrygeist.
My pal asked me why nobody wants to eat the spaghetti he makes in his restaurant.
Well, because it's impastable.
What is the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus?
One is hairy and smells like fish, and the other is a walrus. You're welcome.
You know how on Snapchat "hmu" means hit me up? A school posted "smu." Nikolas Cruz responded.
What did the egg who was sun bathing say to the other egg? Don't look at my crack!
Somebody told another person that they would meet at the crack of dawn.
Let's just say Dawn got very mad.
Kenny is living with his girlfriend now.
He just moved back in with his mom.
Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"
