Why does the ice cream have so many friends?
Because he’s cool.
Why couldn't the orphan play baseball?
They never reached home.
Why don’t you have a pet cheetah?
There cheetah you.
Three men were captured by a tribe and tortured. The leader of the tribe tells them that they would live only if they could achieve one thing: They had to go out and find 10 pieces of the same fruit each.
The first person returned with apples. The leader said that he had to put all 10 of them up into his ass without making a sound, or he would be killed. 1... 2... he screamed.
The next person came back with grapes. 1, 2, 3, he counted up to 8, but began to burst out laughing; he was killed. In heaven, the first man asked him why he laughed if he was doing so well. "Well, I saw the third guy coming back with fucking pineapples!"
What did the ghost knights say to the cloud king?
"Our souls will rain forever."
What does a bird say when it gets sick?
I flu!
What do birds use to check their grades?
Air-ies...
Girl (on thirteenth birthday): Ma, why did papa leave?
Mother: Well, it started exactly 1 year and 189 days ago...
A mom cow's last words were to the mom cow's son. They were, "You are..." then died. The son thought that he was adopted, but then three years later, the mom cow rose from the dead and said to her son that she was going to say, "You were adorable." Then she died once more. Then two years later, she rose from the dead for the last time to say to her son, "And that's why we adopted you."
What did the cow say to the fat pig?
Moooooooove over!
What do you call a cow that no one likes? The mooser.
Where do cows go to see the big screen? The mooo-vie theater.
Burger King got dairy Queen pregnant during sex, cause he forgot to wrap his wopper
Actor 1: "I'm Michael with a b and I hate insects."
Actor 2: "Where's the b?"
Actor 1: "THERE'S A BEE???????????!!!!!!!!!!!????????!!!!!"
What flowers are on your face?
You're so ugly!
I for the class?
What type of teacher doesn't fart in public?
A private tutor/tooter.
What is the difference between whores and nuns?
Nuns usually discover their own chosen vocation. Whores usually have their vocation chosen by pimps.
What is the difference between Princess Diana and my laptop?
When my laptop crashes, I give a s**t.
