How many police officers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to change the lightbulb, and the other to open fire while the room is dark.
When you know that everyone thinks you're a hoe.
WHEN Y'ALL ARE MY HOES!
That feeling when elbow surgery was yesterday.
Hannes asks his mother, "Mom, why are the peanuts called peanuts?" Mom replies, "Because they grow in the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why don't strawberries grow in the earth?" Mom replies: "The giraffes originally had a short neck, but it has grown from giraffe to giraffe. The same thing happened with the strawberries. They grew in the earth and grew higher from harvest to harvest until at some point their stems protruded from the earth." Hannes replies, "Then why is my neck so short?" The mother replies: "So many people died in the First and Second World Wars that our necks could not develop at all. It was the same in the Thirty Years' War. We humans have been in so many wars. The giraffes in none and that's why our neck is so short."
I've decided that from January 1st, I'm only going to watch things that are 4K and above.
It's my New Year's resolution.
What did the blind kid say after receiving a cheese grater for Christmas?
"This is the most violent book I’ve ever read."
What did the sushi say to the bee?
Wa sa Bee.
Why do girls only stay in odd groups of friends?
Because they literally can't even.
Why are pirates named pirates?
Cuz they arrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
What do you call a German that can not see?
A Not-see.
Why should you put an autistic person in a refrigerator?
Because otherwise you’ll get a rotten vegetable.
(Not meant to be triggering).
Why do ableist people hate autistics?
They're scared they'll never be special enough.
What is the autistic woman’s favorite Dorito flavor?
Neurospicy.
What did the autistic man order at McDonald’s?
Ass Burgers.
What Minecraft mob do autistic people relate to the most?
The Enderman.
Why don’t autistic people like Autism Speaks?
They’re jealous that autism can speak.
(This is not meant to be triggering, sorry if it is).
Why didn’t the autistic boy like Minecraft?
There was a new texture pack.
Why did the autistic ice cream run away from the party?
She had a meltdown.
Why did the cellphone get glasses? Because it lost its contacts!
Alright, class, we have 39 students and 40 seats.
That one dyslexic kid thinking he’s Superman:
