Worst Jokes Ever

I will make more jokes tomorrow.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

Why did the dumb blonde take a shower outside of the house while it was raining?

Because the dumb blonde did not pay the water bill!

I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

Life is too short, just like me. Get roasted, short people!

I was sad, so I called the depression hotline. Turns out the depression hotline is where people roast you until you are depressed.

A person in NYC is shot every 5 minutes. Poor guy!

I was invited into a celebrity's house, that's what I told the cops at least...

What happens to Mary Poppins when the wind dies down?

*Mary Poppins seen falling in background*

What is not the definition of prostitution?

A dumb blonde that got money for babysitting. Does it cycle now?

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

Why did Germany win World War Two? Wait—that's not right... um... excuse me while I look up who won the war...

*disconnected*

I got an F in science. F stands for Fantastic!

"This vacuum sucks!"

Vacuum: "Yes, I do."