Worst Jokes Ever

Just noticed something: all celebrities die badly except for Elvis. He had a relief after Taco Bell.

My dad brought me some sunglasses, but it still wasn't enough to keep my son out of my life.

So I didn't want my mom going through my laptop, so I put a touch screen on it where you just have to tap the screen to unlock it. Jokes on her, she doesn't have any fingers.

So, every time I walk in the door, my kid shuts his laptop. So, I check his history. It was good, but my wife checked mine, and she didn't say the same. The words I heard were, "Get out!"

What's the difference between Clint Eastwood and anal sex?

One will make your day, and the other will make your hole weak.

A shop assistant is helping a little boy find his mum.

"What's she like?" he asked the boy.

"BIG COCKS AND VODKA!" said the boy.

So, my kid took my car. He crashed it off a bridge. I miss it, but it's going to have my car.

A shop assistant is helping a little boy who can't find his mum in the supermarket.

He asks the boy, "What's she like?"

The boy says, "Big Cocks and vodka!"

Schools in the hood are kind of the same thing. I always seem to get shot.

I always wanted to go to the store as a kid because I always wanted to look for my dad that went to go get the milk, but I could never find him.

When I die, I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandpa did, not screaming and shouting like his passengers.

Money and women are kind of the same thing for me; it comes and goes very easily.

Slavery and discipline, it's kind of the same thing. You get whipped for doing the wrong thing.

I told people your mom is also known as "MBD" because you're a mega baby dispenser.

So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.

So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.

I'M SHORTTT!

I was making holy water, and my girlfriend walked in, saying, "What are you doing?"

I said, "Making holy water."

She said, "How are you making holy water?"

I'm boiling the hell out of it.

Why can't orphans say "mommy: me?" Because the fosters said no.

What does a pickle look like a p*nis?