What do your underwear and the Starship Enterprise have in common?
They are both concerned about “Klingons near your anus”.
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
"What are you shaking for? She’s going to eat me!"
I don’t drink, don’t swear, don’t smoke, shit, I left my cigarettes at the fucking bar! (Andrew Dice Clay.)
Jack and Jill went up a hill, each with a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down, and she had two-fifty! Oh, what a whore! (Andrew Dice Clay joke.)
Fun fact: The body positivity movement is the only movement without any actual movement.
What's grosser than gross? A truckload of dead babies.
What's grosser than that? A live one at the bottom.
What's grosser than that? When he eats his way out.
Grosser than that? When he goes back for more.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
A cow with no front legs walking around?
Beef stroganoff.
Cool, new word of the day: Marijuana.
“Does Marry wanna smoke a joint?”
What do you call a guy who has sex on the Moon?
An “Astronut”!
What did one tampon say to the other tampon when they walked by each other on the street?
Nothing. They were both stuck up cunts!
Friend: Ooo, I see Jessica.
Me: Nice.
Friend: She got some red on her shirt.
Me: Yeah, that's where the Titanic hit her :///
What do you call a male Cow that snores? A “Bull Dozer”.
Saying I'm sorry and I apologize are basically the same thing... except at a funeral.
One day I was on my phone, then I got a text message from my girlfriend, "Hey, sexy boy, wanna hang out tonight if you know what I mean...?" Then I just stopped and froze. I read the message. I said, "Yeah, sure..." She replied really fast, "There's going to be a few people there, ok." But I didn't read the next message... She said, "Come right at 12:00 AM." But I didn't read it. I walked into her house, but I heard a strange noise like a moaning noise, and it sounded like HER!! So I hid behind the couch, and I looked through the open door and saw something I didn't want to see... Like for part 2 and comment if you want me to make another!!
Doin (DYM 49)
Who is Santa's favorite singer? Elf-is-Presley
Your Friend: Bro, I'm having a movie sleepover tonight. I've invited 17 people, wanna come?
You: Yeah, but why so many people?
Your Friend: Because the DVD says only 18+ viewers.
You: Dude!!!!
Why does the adopted kid like playing GTA? Because he wants to be wanted.
If you go broke, you could always rent parking garages on your huge ass forehead.
SHUT UP EVERYBODY!
