So I left my mom with my baby, and I was terrified when I came back; the wheelchair was in the water.
So I'm the cable guy around the neighborhood, and I do everybody's cable. So I walked into this one house, and I noticed a little kid and the mom was upstairs. I was asking where her mom was, and she wasn't answering, and it looked like something was wrong, so I asked if anything was wrong. She didn't answer, so I kind of raised my voice at her, but she still didn't answer, and then I realized the hearing aid in her ear.
I'M SHORTTT!
I was making holy water and my girlfriend walked in saying what are you doing and I said making holy water and she said how are you making holy water I'm boiling the h#ll out of it
Why can't orphans say "mommy: me?" Because the fosters said no.
What does a pickle look like a p*nis?
What do you call an Indian gymnast? Balance Singh.
Why don't orphans have phones? Because they have home button's.
What is Stephen Hawking's least favorite movie?
Standing Tall.
Yo mama's so fat when she sits on a dollar 4 quarters pop out.
Yo mama's so fat I run around her for exercise.đââď¸đââď¸
What do you call the Gray Man in an electric chair? Fried Fish.
I got in a car crash with a dwarf one day. He came storming out, and glared at me. I lowered my window and called out, "So, I'm guessing you're not happy?"
Why do Vampires like virgins?
Because eating a sandwich would be so much more appealing knowing no one fucked it.
What do visiting Goatman's Bridge and a bungee jumping accident have in common?
You hear a snap, and suddenly you're falling from a bridge.
Women are like the Twin Towers. After you smash them, and if some little people start jumping out, the government is gonna tax the shit outta you.
There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.
News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestler's legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.
John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, âThis Russian has a move called the Mongolian Death Grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian Death Grip. DO NOT let him get you in the Mongolian Death Grip.â
The day of the match finally came. Just before each wrestler stepped onto the mat in front of the capacity crowd, the coach once again said, âWhatever you do, do not let him get you in the Mongolian death grip. No one has ever escaped the Mongolian death grip.â
Four seconds into the match, the Russian had the American in the Mongolian death grip. The coach buried his face into his hands and cursed John for not listening to his advice. All of the sudden he heard the crowd irrupt in a chant of USA USA USA. He looked up and saw the Russian pinned by John. The coach ran out to meet John and embarrassingly told him, âI didnât see... Once he had you in the Mongolian Death Grip I looked away. How in the world did you get out of the Mongolian death grip?â
With heavy breath, John told him, âWell coach, that Russian grabbed me and twisted my body in ways I never imagined possible. I was wincing in pain when I open my eyes and right in front of me were two testicles. So I bit them.â
âWhat???â Said the coach... âJohn I donât think that is legal. You could be disqualified.â
âI donât know about that coach. But I can tell you one thing. You ainât got no idea how strong you are until you bite your own balls.â
W2S, you stinky, stanky fad. Seeing your disstracks really makes me wanna fap.
Three friends are in a hotel room in Soviet Russia.
The first two men open a bottle of vodka, while the third is tired and goes straight to bed. He is unable to sleep however, as his increasingly drunk friends tell political jokes loudly.
After a while, the tired man gets frustrated and walks downstairs for a smoke. He stops in the lounge and asks the receptionist to bring tea to their room in five minutes.
The man walks back into the room, joins the table, leans towards a power outlet and speaks into it:
"Comrade major, we want some tea to room 62 please."
His friends laugh at the joke, until there is a knock on the door. The receptionist brings a teapot. His friends fall silent and pale, horrified of what they just witnessed. The party is dead, and the man goes to sleep.
After a good night's rest, the man wakes up, and notices his friends are gone. Surprised, he walks downstairs and asks the receptionist where they went.
The nervous receptionist whispers that KGB came and took them before dawn.
The man is horrified. He wonders why he was spared.
The receptionist responds:
"Well, comrade major did quite like your tea joke."
What do sexists and WNBA fans have in common?
There's enough of them to acknowledge their existence.
(Just a joke, no offense.)
