Dentist: “This will hurt a little.”
Patient: “OK.”
Dentist: “I’m having an affair with your wife!”
During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.
I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”
My friend was the only one who laughed.
Good Evening Twitter, this is your boy EatDatPussy445, and about like 30-45 minutes ago, I beat the f*** out of my dick so god damn hard that I can't even feel my left leg, my left leg has went totally numb. And, my dick has also went totally numb, to the point where it feels f***ing weird when I go and take a piss.
When your brother sends you to go get a box of condoms for his b-day. (* *)
BLM = Bang local MILFs.
BLM be like black lives matter everyone in this chat :). BLM= Bang Local MLFS.
Anakin Skywalker: I don't like sand.
*also him*
Anakin Skywalker: I lived on sand.
Yo, if Russia comes to the USA, just know their reboot cards don't expire.
If a gay person is vegan, how does he have sex? He will keep getting meat stuck in his ass and in his throat.
What do gay people call fighting? It can't be beef, so...
Carrots?
Imagine losing your child in WW2 and your son fucking respawns, so you tell him off for not getting enough kills.
What do you call an idiot who needs to get a life?
The Stigg.
My stepdad has stage 4 cancer and is going through chemotherapy... at least he saves money on shampoo and conditioner.
Is anyone else on here because it's not blocked on the school laptop?
What's the difference between you and Frankenstein?
He is not ugly like you; plus, he has a wife.
What did one orphan say to another orphan?
"Get in the batmobile, Robin!"
One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."
"Shut up, Brick!"