Me: "Oh man, things are really happening for me! I have so much to do!"
Depression: "Lie in bed."
Worst Jokes Ever
Life is a try not to kill yourself challenge.
I don't struggle with depression. Like at this point I got it down. I'm good at depression.
What do the Titanic and the Montréal Canadiens have in common? They both sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.
Little Johnny was late to school one day, and Miss Brown asks, "Johnny, how come you're late to class?" And Johnny says, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and started fucking the white cow." Miss Brown said, "Johnny, don't use that word. Next time you want to say that, use the word 'surprised'."
The next day Johnny was late again, and Miss Brown said, "Johnny, why are you late?" And Johnny replied, "Miss, you wouldn't believe it. The farmer's bull got out and 'surprised' the white cow." Miss Brown said, "That's much better, Johnny." And Johnny said, "Yeah, walked straight passed it and started fucking the black one."
How do you know an abo robbed your house?
The bins (trash cans) are empty and the dog is pregnant.
You know why Hitler wouldn’t drink whisky? Because it made him angry.
You: "Captain, where is this plane going?"
Captain: "New York, 175 Greenwich Street."
Q. What's a bulimic's favorite movie?
A. The Purge.
I would tell a 9/11 joke, but it would probably crash and burn.
Segma says, "32!"
Ligma Says, "And?"
Segma says, "Anding deez balls to your mouth."
My friend died from Ligma!
Ligma balls.
Say all you want about priests, but at least they drive slowly in school zones.
Why do Orphans like school?
Because they don't have a home to go back to afterwards.
If 6 guys are in a room with each other, is it technically a 6-pack?
What did the floor say to the ceiling?
"I look up to you."
Twin Towers? No plane, plane targets.
I'm having lunch on the roof of the Twin Towers, and the biggest plane I've ever seen is flying toward...
I was happy for once, and my family was happy I was happy, but that all changed when they found out I was thinking about bridges and humans.
What are the similarities between orphans and unripe strawberries?
None of them get picked.
