Imagine someone leaving a cut-out of Jeff Bezos on your car after you found out your blind bf cheated on you, and the McDonald's employee says over the speaker, "Weren't expecting him to see other hoes were you?"
My kid runs in today to tell me that he found a floating cow, but when he got me to come and see, all I saw was a piñata with a tail and white spots. Such a stupid child. So after that I gave him a nice refreshing drink from the toilet and a few of those chocolate sprinkles. (: I'm such a good parent...
In kindergarten, we were starting to learn how to use "big kid words." On Monday, the teacher asked everyone to share what they did over the weekend, but we had to use big kid words.
Eventually it got to my turn, and the teacher asked me what I did over the summer. I told her I read a book. She asked me what book, and to remember to use "big kid words." I'll never forget the horrified look on her face when I replied with "Winnie the Shit."
why couldn't the orphan have the bag of chips? It was Family size
Why is being alive so expensive? I'm not even having a good time.
A normal kid brings an MP3 to school.
A rich kid brings an MP4 to school.
A quiet kid brings an MP5.
When you suffer from depression and someone tells you to just cheer up, god damn, why didn't I think of that?
Have you ever seen a blind man swim?
Neither has he.
What do you call a kid with 15 nukes and a shotgun?
The final countdown.
My great great grandfather killed Hitler😌
What’s Stephan Hawkins favourite food?
His left shoulder
Two terrorists walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "What can I get you?"
The terrorists both say, "A beer."
The bartender overhears them talking about how they will kill 300 people and a donkey. The bartender says, "Why a donkey?"
One terrorist says, "See, I told you no one would care about the people!"
I caught my wife cheating on me.
I beat my son and grounded him.
What does an orphan and a dog have in common?
Both got taken from their parents.
What is the difference between Jesus and the devil?
When the devil came to Earth, he was the one with the nail gun.
What is the difference between an orphan and Pikachu? Pikachu, I choose you!
"Ahoy, Spongebob! I just committed homicide in Syria, and the one-party state is after my fucking ass! Argagagagagaga!"
What's the difference between 8 and 9? When you have the 9, everyone wants to be your friend.
Let's rock and roll!
In the movie "Cars 2", there is a priest, which means car Jesus died for the sins of the cars.
