Why do rapists and pedophiles never win a race?
Because they always like to come in a little behind.
Worst Jokes Ever
Isn't having depersonalization mean that you like the animatronics off of FNAF/Five Nights at Freddy's?
(If you don't know what depersonalization is, look it up.)
Why do Jedis stay single?
Because they use "divorce" (the Force).
May divorce be with you!
Two scientists walk into a bar. The first one says: "I'll have some H2O."
The second one says: "I'll have some H2O, too." And then he died.
What is Johnny Depp's new legal name?
Johnny in debt.
It's important to wash your sex toys.
That's why priests invented baptism.
I wanted to do something nice for my uncle, so I cleaned out the nice vase that was given at grandma's funeral. It had so much sand, I'm glad to help.
Why does Batman cover half of his face? To let the police know that he's white.
People go to places to see Harry Potter live, but you can just go to the abortion place and see something disappear.
Did Jesus die a virgin?
Nah, he got nailed...
I saw a girl crying. I told her, "Where are your parents?" She cried more after that. I got kicked out of the orphanage.
Why do Fortnite players have such good teeth?
Because they like to floss.
Ooo.
Your hairline is pushed back farther than G.T.A. 6.
Why do trans women go by she/her?
Because if they went by her/she, they'd be Hershey's.
A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”
“About 32,” is the reply.
“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, “I’d guess about 29.” The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I’m 50.”
Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.
She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.
The clerk responds, “Oh, I’d say 30.”
Again she proudly responds, “I’m 50, but thank you!”
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, “Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay... How old am I?”
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”
“I was behind you at McDonalds’."
I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.
I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not gonna share it. You guys didn't like it.
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn't actually mine. Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.
