New Jokes - Page 56 - Worst Jokes Ever

Are you a raisin? Because you’re raisin' my dick.

Let's play carpenter. First, we'll get hammered, then I'll nail you.

The FBI wants to steal my penis. Can I hide it inside you?

Are you a haunted house? Because I’m going to scream when I’m in you! 😫

They say that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the human body. Wanna fight? 👅💦

You look good with anything, but nothing works too.

My attitude doesn't have to be the only reason I yell and roll my eyes in the back of my head.

Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

Did Walmart take the Juneteenth ice cream off the shelf?

It was only 3/5 full.

Difference between Texas and Flint, Michigan?

Nothing, no one cares how much lead is in those kids.

What do two priests say to each other when they walk into an orphanage?

"Let us pray."

My girlfriend really wants me to get her pregnant so she would have a father figure in her life for once.

Why did the terrorist masturbate and smoke weed on the plane?

He was told to high-jack it.

The little girl's dad was Jewish and her mom was Catholic. Mom had been taking the little girl to church every Sunday.

One Sunday, during High Mass, the little girl whispers to her mom, “Mom, can we go home now?”

“No honey, not yet,” replied the mother, “the Mass is only half over.”

“Then we can go now, Mom. I'm half Jewish.”

One day a local pastor was visiting the home of some parishioners who had a teenage son. The parents were worried about what career their son would choose, so the pastor said he had a simple test that could predict what would become of him.

He would put three objects on a table and let the young man choose whichever one he wanted to have: a Bible, a wallet, and a bottle of scotch. If the boy chose the Bible, he would probably become a priest; if he chose the wallet, he'd be a banker; and if he chose the bottle, he'd become a worthless bum.

So the parents called their son into the room, and the pastor told him he could have whichever object he wished. When the boy promptly picked up all three, the pastor cried out, "Heaven forbid! He's going to be a Jesuit!"

A cop pulls over a carload of nuns.

The cop says, "Sister, this is a 55 MPH highway. Why are you going so slow?"

The Sister replies, "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55."

The cop answers, "Oh, Sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you are on!"

The Sister says, "Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful."

At this point, the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling. The cop asks, "Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They are shaking something terrible."

The Sister answers, "We just got off Highway 101."