Need jokes

Yo hairline so far back that you need a magnifying glass to see it.

Yo mama so fat that she needs 12 queen size mattresses to go to sleep.

What's one thing you can say about your house, but not your girlfriend?

"I wish it were this color, why is it leaking there, I need help trimming the grass I mean bushes, I own it."

How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.

Yo mama so thick, they need an aircraft carrier to take her places.

Yo mama so fat when she goes to the shoe store, she needs to take their advice and get XXXXL.

Yo mama so fat, she needs 17 iPhones to take a selfie.

I told myself I needed to stop drinking so much. But I'm not about to start listening to some drunk weirdo who talks to themself.

On Paxomedy channel, I made a video of a Rooster and a dog fighting.

I needed to know why they were fighting. Once I dug down into the issue, it turned out that the Dog called the Rooster a Cock, and the Rooster laughed and called the Dog a useless Bitch, and that was the beginning of their fight, and weird enough, the Cock won!

I went to congratulate the winner, but he thought he was insulting me by calling me Zinjathropus, but I said that was a compliment because Zinja was an old skeleton found in Africa, and I am African. I said to the Rooster he shouldn't have fought with the dog just because he called him a Cock. He said that being called a Cock is a compliment, and the fighting was his exercise to toughen up for serious fights with Dogs!

My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

"No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

Guys, you need to ketchup with the time.

Why did the computer go to bed?

It needed to crash.

What does cake and baseball have in common?

They both need a batter.

Roses are red. Violets are blue. Your wife needs Jon Grudon, too.

Son: Dad, I think I got a girl pregnant.

Dad: Well, is she already part of the family?

Son: Yes, why?

Dad: Then there’s no need to be worried.

A Japanese man goes to the dentist. After being there for a while, the dentist asks, "How often do you floss your teeth?"

The Jap said, "After every meal." When they finish up, the dentist turns to him and says, "You need to floss your eyes more. I can still see them."

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

I know you don't like me, and that implies you need better taste.

I'm not an astronomer, but I'm pretty sure the Earth revolves around the sun... not you.

I'd give you a nasty look, but it seems like you've already got one.

Your birth certificate should be rewritten as a letter of apology.

You haven't changed since the last time I saw you. You really should.

People in 1 Ad: I bet we will have the best technology ever in 2023.

2023: GO BACK NOW! THERE'S 50 THOUSAND GENDERS, DUMB GEN Z, TIK TOK, WE NEED JESUS!

I'm at my happiest point in life. I'm dating someone that's autistic, and I was just saying I needed someone special in my life.