My jokes

My jokes are cancer.

What's the difference between a Porsche and 50 dead babies?

..... I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.

I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks.

I didn't want to interrupt her.

My family chastises me for MY job, but you should hear how my family provides "customer service" at their jobs. My mother works as a social worker and answers the phone like, "DYFS, you beat em, we treat em." My grandmother is a Medical Examiner and she answers the phone like, "City Morgue, you kill em, we chill em." These bitches have no class! I'm an actress and studio secretary. When you call the studio, I answer the phone professionally like, "Good afternoon. IHOP, International House Of Pussy. Creampie Cassie speaking."

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

To master puns, you got to relish them first. That's how I must(ar)d it. Who knows, maybe you will ketchup to my level.

While an unsuspecting father's at the office making money, this 18 year old son will spend his day in mother's cunny.

We're at the breakfast table, father eats and takes his calls, he doesn't know my mother's toes are kneading at my balls.

My husband told me he just came into a lot of money.

Weird, he usually uses a sock.

I want coffee like my men.

Dark.

So, I was in the church the other day, raping this woman, when she screamed, 'Please! Think of my children!' I said, 'Ooo, you kinky bitch.'

I went for my routine check up last week, and everything was going great until the doctor stuck her finger up my butt. Should I look for a new dentist?

My dad went to go get milk. He came back 7 years later, and we had to send him back because he got the wrong milk.

I heard that to slow the growth of fire, you use a flame retardant.

So I threw my stupid son in the flames when my house caught on fire!

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.

Why was my mate in "Mission: Impossible?" Because he couldn't find his dad.

My friend had a drink called Quick Start, so I said, "That's a quick start to the morning!"

My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

My dad and I went to the hospital once, and he said he'd be fine and it'd only take a few minutes.

Lying bastard never came out.

My grandfather said I was too reliant on technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.