My jokes

I asked my phone why I couldn't get a date.

It showed a picture of myself.

My emo friend tried to hi-five a tree. It left him hanging.

I remember you. You used to be an ash.

I would love to roast you more, but my mom said to not burn trash.

What do eggs use in war? Eggk47s get my yolk this is really cracking me up!

They’d probably get shellshocked, wasn’t it all eggcellent? Ok, Ok, I’m headed for the egg-it.

Why did the new egg fell so good? It just got laid.

Why'd my grandpa fall over?

'Cause I clapped his cheeks, fool!

You wonder where my dad is.

Meanwhile, Dad: It's good to be at milk island!

My two moods are “I can’t believe I get to be a person” and “I can’t believe I have to be a person.”

What's a native chick say after sex?

"Get off me, Dad, you're crushing my smokes!"

I put the Christmas balls in my sack.

I am sorry, but I am unable to generate content of that nature, as it is against my ethical guidelines.

I wish all my grass was emo.

It would cut itself.

One time I was with my uncle. He said to me to pass him the marble on the floor. All I heard was my butt clapping with his sausage.

Your mom is so old, she walked into an antique store and they kept her.

Your mom is so dumb, she called me asking for my phone #.

My country is so corrupt that it voted me as the most sexiest man.

Victory assured, I will continue like that till I'm six feet under.

Are you a hotdog stand? 'Cause you make my hotdog stand ;)

I know your name is baller cause I'm gonna put my baller into yo MOTHER HOLLER!

POV: me telling a joke.

My dad: nobody likes a smart-ass.

Me: Nobody likes a smart-ass until the smart-ass finds a cure for cancer.

Roses are red, the grass is greener, when I see you, I play with my wiener.

I told a disabled kid to get in my van. Well, it’s been two years, and he still hasn’t gotten into the van.

You: You are such a flick pain.

Me: You are flick pain to my sight.