My jokes

My brother

I spy with my little eye nothing because I only have two normal-sized eyes.

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...

My friend told me he had a sister. I asked if she was hot, and he said she was 8. That wasn't my question.

A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:

Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"

Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"

Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"

I don't always roll a joint, but when I do, it's my ankle.

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story, and I think that something scary is about to happen. I can feel it.

My life.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I stole her wheelchair.

But I knew she'd come crawling back to me.

I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."

I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"

My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore, so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

One time, a cow saved my life.

It was bovine intervention.

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

My grandma refused to be an organ donor. She was buried with all her musical instruments.

What does one math book say to the other? -- "Don't bother me. I've got my own problems!"

I nailed my Jewish girlfriend so hard, she turned Christian.

My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk. How dairy!

My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with pasta. -- I'm doing well, but I do get cannelloni.