My jokes

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic. But if I'm going to have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day. -- A woman asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

My roommate's diary says I have boundary issues.

I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant, but apparently it just changes the color of the baby.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are... But I laugh more.

I lent a hot girl my umbrella yesterday. That takes the number of girls I've made wet this year to -1.

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage. -- I lost my case.

I've decided to marry a pencil. I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B.

I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."

"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

I think my coworkers are gay. -- Every time I walk by, they mumble, "What an ass."

My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.

There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night. The police told us to stay inside until they shot him.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office: I will find you... You have my Word.

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a light bulb? Obviously not 8, because it's still dark in my basement.

To the guy in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide, but you can't run.

My town's population never changes. Every time a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

My wife left me for an Indian guy. I know he's going to treat her well, I heard they worship cows.