My jokes

My cock was in the book of world records...

The librarian told me to take it out.

My cow just wandered into a field of marijuana. The steaks have never been so high...

When other people tell a joke, 3/3 people laugh.

When I tell a joke, 1/3 people laugh, but 2/3 people stare into my soul.

My Llama's cousin sucks at going on vacation.

He just stands there; "I'll pack uhhhh...."

Yesterday my daughter was playing in the garden when I saw her kill a butterfly. I told her that, as a punishment, she won't eat butter for 1 month.

Today I saw her killing a cockroach in the kitchen. I told her "nice try".

Have you ever wondered how your teachers would look if they were 20 years younger than they actually are? I bet some of them would be smoking hot. Especially my 25-year-old English teacher. I'd bang her if she were 20 years younger.

A boy walks in on his parents having sex. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the boy screams at his father, and runs out of the room.

Soon, the parents hear screams coming from the father's mother's room. They both go running. They see the little boy pumping into his grandmother like anything. "What are you doing to my mother?!" the father screams. "It's not so easy when it's your mother is it?" says the boy.

I like women how I like my hair dryer: locked in a closet most of the time and only being used to blow me dry.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday. A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

I don't put ketchup and mustard on my hotdog, I relish it.

What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

My friends used to poke me at weddings and say, "You're next."

So I started poking them at funerals and saying, "You're next" to my friends.

I asked my midget neighbor if he wanted a lift. He told me to "Fuck off!!!" I thought, what a cheeky cunt and zipped my backpack up and walked away.

My midget landlord told me to pack my things up and that I've got 30 minutes to get out. That's short notice!

"Herro, I cannot see my eyes."

What did the brother cell say when the sister cell stepped on his foot? Ow, mitosis! (my toe, sis)

What is the difference between a bag of dead babies and a Lamborghini?

I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage. :)

"I told my kids not to spend all day at a computer, but then I realized I do that myself."

So I was doing a puzzle, and I was getting triggered with it. My friend said, "It's puzzling why you're so triggered."

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.