My jokes

My friend has a dry sense of humor.

Probably because her body was decomposed ages ago.

My name has "anus" in it.

Granny says don't worry, the cries of pain are only my ex-husband's.

My ex died today.

I also lost my job as a butcher.

What's 12 inches long, red, and when I force feed it to my wife, she cries?

Her miscarriage.

Me: Mom, would you get mad at me for something I didn't do?

Mom: No.

Me: Ok, good. I didn't do my homework.

I was using my computer one time and I pressed Ctrl-Alt-Delete, and Stephen Hawking went into a deep sleep.

I hate my wife.

*cue laugh*

My teacher said he is gonna call my dad, I can't wait to meet him! 🥰🥰🥰

My dad is John Cena because I can't see him.

Please help, my dad is an addict. He won't stop, and he eats my food.

Sometimes I think, should I kill him? But nah, he will go down with the others who did that too.

Me: If a skinny person goes skinny dipping, then what do fat people do?

My friend: Chunky dunks.

My wife told me to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.

"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."

My mom told me that drugs are my enemies... But Jesus said to love my enemies.

Why did my mother buy me a Honda? She knows I can't move, so she pushed my wheelchair with me in it into the ocean. I survived just by a second, but a shark got my wheelchair, fucking bitch.

My mom told me to get dressed, and I said, "For what? Are we going to the rodeo?"

Me: What do you call 4 depressed kids?

My friend: What?

Me: The Suicide Squad.

Depression hits harder than my dad.

Today was no fun. A rhino escaped from the zoo and ate two parents, and I lost my job as zookeeper.