My jokes

Brother 2: We have these weird circles on the street! Government is tracking us!!!

Brother 1: They are just to sense cars so they can change lights. And it's the government.

Brother 2: Then why are there two in the left turn lane?

Brother 1: So one car isn't always going left and stopping the others.

Brother 2: Then why are they one car apart? Oh, to have three people going.

Brother 1: Correct. When I see one car on the first, I go on the second so my light changes.

Brother 2: You monster.

Brother 1: I wonder if they trigger by weight?

Brother 2: HA. Yo mama would trigger the sensor.

Brother 1: ARG. It's OUR MAMA you're disrespecting.

Mother (brother 1): What's going on boys? *looks in mirror* HOLY SH@& SHE IS PRETTY!

Brother 2: I think you should take your pills.

Brother 1: Found them.

*imaginary mother and brother fade away*

Thank you ELECTROBOOM for inspiring this joke/sh!t. Go subb to him.

Btw the (1) means it is just imaginary brother one acting like another brother.

I told my mom that I have a crush. She replied with: "So you like girls?" I said: "Uhm no no no." BUT I'm lesbian. Someone help, how do I tell her without her hitting me with a belt?

  • 9

    • So, I walked up to my grandma and I said, "What color would you be on a rainbow cupcake?" She just turned 61, ok, ok. So I'm like, "I got it, I got it, ok, ok." She's like: "Ok, what color?" I say: "Grey."

    I was given my electronics test today. Turns out it was given to me 'cause I have the same name as someone who got 54/59. I actually got my hopes up, too.

    A woman buys a house, but she doesn't know what to name the house, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Hairy butt," so she named the house Hairy Butt.

    The next month she had a baby, but she didn't know what to name him, so she stuck her head outside and heard "Crack," so she named the baby Crack.

    After a year or two she lost him, so she called the police and said, "Help! I looked all over my hairy butt, but I couldn't find my little crack."

    I told my dad that I’m gay. He replied, “No, you're retarded.” Then he went off to kiss a baby.

  • 2

    • I'll never forget my aunt's last words before she died: "Can you stop shaking the ladder, please?"

    What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.

    A man walks into a bar and orders three shots. "Long day?" the bartender asks. "Well... My oldest son just came out..." The man finishes the shots and leaves the bar. The next day, the man comes back and orders four shots. "What now?" the bartender asks. "My middle son just came out." The man finishes his drinks and leaves. He comes back the next day and orders five shots. "Again?" the bartender asks. "Yeah. My youngest son." He drinks his shots and leaves. The next day, he comes in again. This time, he orders ten shots. "My God! Is there anyone in your family that likes girls??" the bartender asks. "Yeah... My wife."

    I'm lonely, but all I have is my cheeseburger, but what is the matter of living if you only have one thing?

    But a cheeseburger is all you need 'cause it has 1,000,000,000,000 bucks man, so I can't just take it and spend it wherever I want.

    One day I came to my mom and said, "MOM!!! I can make a butterfly!"

    Mom: "No you can't..."

    Me: *throws butter out the window* Me: "Look I made a butterfly!"

    lol this isn't funny but I hope you liked it.

  • 5

    • What's the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

    They're both pointless.

    My dad, unfortunately, passed away when we couldn’t remember his blood type...

    His last words to us were, “Be positive!”

    What's the difference between my wife and a battery? I can't use a battery when it dies.

    Gumball: What's that? Is it a twig?

    Banana Joe: No.

    Darwin: Is it a leaf?

    Banana Joe: No.

    Gumball: What is it then?

    Banana Joe: It's my BUTT!!!