My jokes

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

After every line, say “I’m a man.”

I went to the club. (I’m a man)

I met a girl. (I’m a man)

I took her to the bar. (I’m a man)

We got some drinks. (I’m a man)

I took her home. (I’m a man)

We got in bed. (I’m a man)

She whispered in my ear... (I’m a man)

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"

I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.

Hello people, my name is Osama.

I'm back from the dead and I want to blow you.

What’s red, 11 inches, and makes my girlfriend cry when I slap her with it?

Her miscarriage.

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

On this website, I just searched up "My jokes". In response, it said, "No jokes found." Wth.

My grandpa has the heart of a lion,

and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Are you a bullet? 'Cause you're stuck in my head.

Who wants to be my boyfriend?

Your PP is small, just like my will to live.