My jokes

The more I light my lighter, the lighter my lighter gets, until it's too light to light.

A man wakes up in the hospital and says, "Doctor! Doctor! I can't feel my legs!"

"Of course," the doctor says. "I amputated your arms."

My girlfriend called me a "bot" in Fortnite, so I called her "sandwich maker 3000."

Everyone in my class: "I can't wait until I have a family, I can't wait to study for my dream job."

My friends: "What's your dream job?"

Me: "I'm going to die young :))"

I feel weird to ask this, but can anyone guess my real name?

#Imbored

"I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing, unless you're at a funeral.

My friend is blind so he can "no see."

One day I walk up to an emo kid. I realized he had a fresh cut, so I grab my hand and slap his wrist and told him, "I like ya cut, G!"

Sometimes my battery life has the same recognition as me :(

Hey, I’m not an alcoholic! I only drink 2 times a year. When it’s my Birthday, and when it’s not...

I had something about tripping over ice.

Well, it slipped my mind, so I'll just test some diamonds to see if they're ice.

Therapist: So how depressed would you say you’ve been feeling lately?

Me: I don’t care anymore if my foot hangs over the bed where a monster can get it.

Therapist [whispering]: Jesus, wow.

My friend said, "Why do you have depression? There is so much happiness in the world." And I said, "Why do you have asthma? There is so much air in the world."

I still remember my grandpa's last words.

"Stop shaking the damn ladder!"

If I had a garden, I would put your tulips against my tulips... 🌷

Are you a keyboard? Cause you're my type.

My wife told me to pass her some chapstick, but then I realized she hasn’t talked to me in a month, then remembering I gave her super glue.........ehh I’m done with her big ass mouth.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday, but a scary-looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house.

"Better lock 'em doors and turn the lights down low... Better turn 'em on, just stubbed my f***ing toe!"

Why did my mouth say no to butt? Because that would be too much sex.