My jokes

I like my vegetables like I like my women: forgotten at the bottom of my freezer.

Gina: Maryen? Karlya? Amber? Kristie? Why isn't it listed that she's here?

Zari: Your sister isn't listed in the meantime, just relax.

Gina: That still doesn't answer why she's not listed. I want her to see me!

Zari: Anyway, it will be time for your medications, we have the gixen and the Uiasends.

Gina: Do you know my sister's name?

Zari: Yes. Her name is Jalien.

Gina: Fine, I don't care!!!

So when my parents say no to "isms," I say, "Can I be homophobic?"

My grandpa died to ligma.

Ligma balls lol.

What did Nemo's dad say? "Man, he's a lot like my dad, I can never find him!"

I love to smell skunks, but I lick their stinky butt. It's delicious. My breath smells like fart.

My grandpa lost his toe today. 😔

Nvm, we found it. It's in his TOEtruck.

My speech impediment has gotten so worse that I stutter when typing sentences.

Me and my wife love playing table tennis. I couldn’t win all day, but when it got dark, I managed to beat her. I don’t know how the police found out so quickly.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson at the beach?

"Excuse me, you're in my sun (son)."

Jim: My grandpa fought in the army during World War Two. He was an officer.

Me: Cool, what rank of officer?

Jim: SS.

Me:...

In school, we learned that squirrels stick their nuts in trees. So, just like my uncle Dave...

After every line, say “I’m a man.”

I went to the club. (I’m a man)

I met a girl. (I’m a man)

I took her to the bar. (I’m a man)

We got some drinks. (I’m a man)

I took her home. (I’m a man)

We got in bed. (I’m a man)

She whispered in my ear... (I’m a man)

My friend: Wanna hear a joke?

Me: No.

Friend: Why?

Me: Because you are a joke.

Friend: Your life is too...

Me: :)

Friends :)

I go to get my mail.

Stranger: "Something fell out of your pocket! April fools!"

Me: "You're adopted, April fools!"

Then I see an orphan behind me and gets all excited.

I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.

You dirty-minded bastard!

My stepdad took me to work, and he told me I could climb trees.

I woke up in a hospital. Wait, did I mention that my stepdad was a lumberjack?

My dad and I were fishing one day.

That’s where he met my stepmom.

My ex was so full of shit, she probably poured toilet cleaner in her nose to get relief.

When my mom asks, "If your friend pays you to jump off a bridge, would you do it?" I say, "No, Mom... I'd do it for free!"