My jokes

A kid is learning about planets in school, when he hears the planet Uranus. Knowing it's the perfect opportunity for a joke, the kid replies, "Where's my anus?"

I went down to my fridge to grab my dinner. I said to the children, "Who's next?"

Roses are red, But grass is greener, When I think of you, I play with my wiener.

Today was the worst day ever. My ex got hit by a truck... On the plus side, my truck doesn't even have a dent.

While I was out shopping, I tripped in a store and a lady would not stop staring at me. For fun, I said, "Sorry! It's been a while since I've possessed a body." She looked horrified.

Dads are like boomerangs... I hope!

Son: Dad, why is my name Experience? Dad: Son, Experience is the name we give our mistakes.

You won't eat a human, so why eat meat? Bold of you to presume I won't eat a person.

My dad has the heart of a soldier, and a restraining order from the soldier's family.

I was anonymous with the previous jokes. I will now go by "I can fly! *falls*."

What's black and white and red all over? A mime I hit with my car.

I cried when my dad cut onions.

Onions was a good dog.

I was walking down the streets with my parents and my sister. My mum said, "Step on a crack, break your mother's back." I stepped on a crack. My sister has been in the hospital ever since.

At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.

I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.

My doctor called me a "psychopath." How dare he?!? He'll pay for this!

I got a phone call from a guy labeled "assassin" saying my life will end soon. I seriously doubt that he w- *gunshot*

I was raised an only child, which really pissed my brother.

Dad: "If they jumped off a bridge, would you?"

Tommy: "Yes, cuz there would be a body pile to break my fall!"

My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.

Where did my rabbit go?

*crunch*

When I was 8, my sister was half my age. I am 60 now, how old is my sister?

Comments: 30! Give me an easier question next time!

Today was a bittersweet day...

Bad news is my friend was assaulted. Good news is I successfully sneak attacked someone!

Today was the worst day ever! My brother got run over, and I lost my driver's license!