My jokes

I started crying when my dad was cutting onions.

Onions was such a good dog.

I read to deaf kids in my spare time.

My sister: See you at home in about an hour.

Me: Okay.

My sister: Sister, where are you? *She looks out the window.*

Me: Sis, I'm here, can't you see me?

Sister: OMG, she's dead!

Me: Yeah, I know, but can't you see me?

If my phone battery lasted as long as my relationship, I would never be able to play on my phone.

My girlfriend was cheating in Uno.

She's not the only one who can play that game.

Little Johnny's sister, Suzy, sees her mom in the shower and asks, "What is that between your legs?" Her mom responds, "That is my garage." The next day, Suzy sees her dad in the shower and says, "What is that between your legs?" Her dad answers, "It is a motorcycle that gets parked in mommy's garage." The next day, Suzy came to dinner with blood all over her hands. Her mom asks, "Why is there blood all over your hands, Suzy?" Suzy says, "Well... little Johnny tried to put his motorcycle in my garage, so I ripped its wheels off."

I walked to the milk store and did not see my dad.

I know this is a really bad poem, but I'll do it anyway 'cause I have nothing else to do.

'Twas so pretty a night, with people all asleep. Everyone's dreaming of that candy apple treat, and a palace. But alas! No, it's all a dream. Even eating ice cream, it's all a dream! Why can't I have this? Why can't I have that? BUT NO! It's just hitting you like a bat. YOU JUST HAVE TO HAVE IT, you say to yourself. All for me, all for me, and et cetera. It goes on and on. But why wish for riches? You're already rich enough. If you have a device, then take my advise, if you were poor you would have spent the money on food, like honey, not something that... OF ALL THINGS IS GOOGLE!

Like I said, it's really bad. :(

Good night, sleep tight, wake up bright in the morning light, to do what's right, with all your might.

Jonny went to school one day, and later that day his dad got a call saying he needed to pick up his son because he had had sex with a teacher. When Jonny got home, his dad was so happy he went out to the store and bought him a bike. When they bought the bike, Jonny was offered to ride the bike, but he declined it and replied, "My butt still hurts."

I'll never forget my Grandad's last words... "Son, where did you get a grenade from?!"

My dad went to school saying dad jokes. I was embarrassed and I cried with a-dult cry.

Person: "My pony is crazy; it's always horsing around."

Superman and Flash were in the living room pounding back a few beers. Flash says to Superman, "I bet you can fly into Wonder Woman's bedroom and get the best pussy of your life." So he does it. When he goes back to Flash, Superman says, "Man, that was great, but my ass kinda burns."

I’ll always remember my father’s last words: “I’m gonna sleep for a little.”

I walk into my driveway. Stephen Hawking is on my roof.

Oh wait, never mind, he just fell.

I saw my wife at the dam yesterday. Drat. I was hoping she might float a bit more downstream.

I keep looking for my girlfriend's killer, but no one wants to do it.

Roses are red, I have free candy, get in my van, I have a gun handy.

Roses are red.

I have free candy. Get in my van. I have free candy!