My jokes

My girlfriend called me a pedophile. That's a big word for a six-year-old.

My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.

Guess who came crawling back?

Do you want to wear my sombrero?

Or is that nacho style?

Why is my dad gone?

I don't know.

I like my dates like I like my wine...

Locked in a cellar and aged for 12 years.

What do my little brother and a vagina have in common?

They both ooze blood 🩸 when punched.

Kid: Where do I put this paper?

Teacher: I already said go ask your neighbors.

Kid: Ok. *Walks home to his neighbor's house*

Kid: Hey neighbor, I didn't know where to put this paper, and my teacher said to ask you. Do you know?

Neighbor: No, sorry, I don't.

Kid: Okay, bye! *Kid walks back to school.*

Kid: Teacher, my next-door neighbor didn't know.

Teacher: Ugh, you went home?!

Kid: Yes, you told me to!

Teacher: I meant at school!

Kid: Ohhhhhh!

Teacher: Duh!

If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.

If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.

And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!

My ex keeps missing me. But her aim is steadily improving...

You're so fat that you're gonna be my next hamburger for dinner and the next In-N-Out, just like your parents.

I was digging in our garden and found a chest full of gold coins. I wanted to run straight home to tell my wife about it.

Then I remembered why I’m digging in our garden.

Little Johnny stooped down to lick my balls and deep dick my throbbing knob.

My forehead so big,

big like Biggie Smalls. I love cock, please bum my hole.

Hi.

So, my son is into astronomy, and he asked how stars die. I said, "Usually overdose."

I rang my boss and said, "I’m really sick. I won’t be coming into work." My boss said, "Davo, you're sick again! Really! Just how sick are you now?" I replied, "Well, I’m in bed with my sister!"

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"

TRUE STORY!

X-Ray Tech: I broke my arm and went to the hospital. The X-Ray Tech was the hottest blonde I've ever seen.

I threw her ass down on the X-Ray table, ripped her clothes off, ripped off mine and I jumped on top of her!

Then I put the X-ray machine on top of us, turned it on and I looked up on the X-ray monitor and I watched and saw my sperm swimming up inside her!

How many children does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Not 27, because my basement is still dark.

My uncle died on 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.

I have 206 bones in my body, but when I look at you, I have 207.