My jokes

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

My teacher says no phones allowed. I say my phone is allowed because I’m nobody, Dania.

I saw my sister sucking a big toe.

I am the ice cream man running over fat kids with my van. If you touch my van, I’ll smack you in the face with a frying pan. If you steal ice cream, I’ll shoot you in the face with a fudge machine.

The teacher asks, "Who is a Trump fan?" Everyone in the class, wanting to be liked by their teacher, all put their hands up, except for Little Johnny. The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, why are you being different again?" Little Johnny says, "Because I'm not a Trump fan." The teacher asks, "Why are you not a Trump fan?" and Little Johnny says, "Because my dad's a democrat and my mum's a democrat so I'm a democrat." And then his teacher says, "So if your dad was an idiot and your mum was a moron, what would that make you?" And Little Johnny replies, "A Trump fan."

Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."

Bro, my forehead is so big whenever I need to find something on it, I need the exact coordinates.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

Whoever stole my anti-depression medications, I hope you're happy!

My parents raised me as an only child, which really pissed off my sister.

My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

*at school*

Nobody: Do you want nuts?

Me: Wait, you have some?

Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

Me: :0

My BALLS itched when I crashed the plane.

My dick's so big, I stuck it in your mom's loose hole.

My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."