My jokes

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Little Johnny is my son, and he got hit by a semi-truck owned by a Russian. Now I am on my way on a nuclear submarine with a Burger King Whopper to Moscow, then take revenge for little Johnny!

I awoke after being raped and was shocked to find my fingers were broken. It was hard to grasp.

So, when I'm about to take a shower, my mom says, "Take a shower." When I'm about to take out the trash, my mom says, "Take out the trash."

Bro, my forehead is so big whenever I need to find something on it, I need the exact coordinates.

I bought a silencer for my gun, but I don't think it works.

My victims still scream.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

The other day I started watching Game of Thrones.

I told my friend about it. Told him all about the violence, murder, decapitation, gore, sex, gay sex, midget sex, prostitution, rape, paedophilia, incest, and inbreeding... And he was like: "Oh, so you're still on the first episode then?"

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    • A guy runs into a bar and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”

    The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”

    The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

    My favorite film is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

    I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

    *at school*

    Nobody: Do you want nuts?

    Me: Wait, you have some?

    Nobody: Yeah, they're my own.

    Me: :0

    My friend that was in a wheelchair was getting bullied, so I said, "Stand up for yourself."

    I thought that kid was walking cool when I had my ears shut. It turns out he was moaning.

    Me: Doctor, can I get a new butt? My old one has a crack in it.

    Doctor: I told you a billion times already. Everyone's butt has a crack in it.

    Me: How do you know that?