I played piano at a Worthmore disabled elderly center. Then after I was done, I said, "How about you give me a standing ovation?"
I regret it to this day. Now I am forced to live here at Worthmore, and sit on my wheelchair, sad and lonely.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft, and I’ll show you A-flat minor.
Q. What's the difference between people and a toilet?
A. Neither does R. Kelly.
What's a convict's favorite song?
"I want to break free."
What made his beats so bad?
His name.
Did you hear about the song Rihanna wrote about the tin can?
It was called "S & N."
What's the difference between humans and bullets?
Humans miss John Lennon.
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while "the lights would turn off."
Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.
However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.
She walked up to the bartender and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.
After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause!
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"
"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out."
Now, how about that drink?
Here are some skeleton jokes.
You know the average person tries too hard and works himself to the bone.
If that joke didn't tickle your funny bone, I can give you a real humorous joke.
I used to play the trumpet, now I play the xylo-bone.
I'm always happy; nothing gets under my skin.
I made you some turkey for lunch. Bone appetit!
I'm glad I had you; I'm no longer bonely.
I've got a skele-ton of more jokes, but I'm just giving you one more.
Did you hear about the skeleton ninja? He was very skullful (skillful)!
Why does the heart listen to music a lot?
Because it loves feeling the beat.
What's the song that plays at the very end of the movie, Dr. Strangecow, during the montage of nuclear blasts?
"Veal meat again, don't know where, don't know when..."
If only Karen Carpenter had eaten Mama Cass's sandwich...
When a school shooter walks to the intercom and plays Pumped Up Kicks.
I walked up to a cat and started to sing a song. The cat said, "HECK NO!" then ran off. I follow it while still singing "BABY COME HOME TO ME!!"
What do you call Mary Berry when she’s on holiday?
A Cake By The Ocean.
Bob: Kanye West.
Dad: No, but I can East.
What is 14 inches long and starts with D?
A Dookie From GREEN DAY
Which Pokemon listens to Aha?
Takemeon.
Me: Cobain!
Friend: No, dude, it's Kobe.
Me: Why? Cobain didn't miss his last shot.
Chris Brown, More like Chris Brownie hehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehehe!
