Mother jokes

"Jesus can turn water into wine, but I can turn your mother into mine."

- Sun Tzu, *The Art of Creating War*

I heard life was a gift. Well, I hope they kept the receipt, because I'd like a mother-fucking refund!

My grandmother made her passage on the Titanic. The ship was not the only thing that went down.

Why does the orphan like nature? He can call someone "mother."

Suicide really isn't something to joke about, unless it's hanging yourself.

It's a really quicker way to die, and less blood spilled for your mother to clean up.

If Germany is the father land, and Russia is the mother land, would WWII just be domestic violence?

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parent's names?"

The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling."

The teacher said, "Are you kidding?"

The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother, I am Joking."

A young boy walked up to his dad and asked, "Daddy, why are you banned from coming to elementary school?"

The dad calmly replies, "Because that's how I met your mother."

Mother: "Sweetie, make a Christmas wish."

Girl: "I wish that Santa will send some clothes to those naked girls in papa's computer."

What do you call a parent that is pregnant?

Buy one, get one free.

I asked my mom if I can help her out with the cooking, she answered yes.

A few hours later, dinner was ready and dad came to join. Mother said, "Honey, can you get the mashed potatoes?" Dad said, "Why, she’s right here."

A cat gets its tail run over, and its mother assured him it’ll be okay. “You just have to stay PAW-sitive!”

The mother was later killed in her sleep because her son hates puns. At the funeral, one of her daughters said, “You have CAT to be KITTEN me right MEOW!”

Guess who dies next.

Little Johnny walks into the living room and asks his parents, "Mom, Dad, what do you get when you crossbreed a bulldog and shih tzu?"

The mother and father shrug and say, "We have no idea, Johnny. What do you get?" and little Johnny replies, "You get a bullshit."

You're so ugly that when you were born, your mother asked, "How does my little treasure look?", and the doctor replied, "I think we should bury it immediately."

What do orphans want to get for Christmas?... A mother.

Hey, Mom, I'm back from the circus parade. It was amazing! First came the elephants, then came the tigers in the cage, and then came a beautiful lady on a white stallion. Oh, and what came after her?

Asked the mother, "Dad and every sailor in the state of Tennessee," said the boy.

My son said that bully needs a pounding, then I say, "Yeah, right, that is what I said and did to your mother." My son opens his mouth and freezes. I guess he knew what I was talking about.

Yo mama is like train tracks; she gets laid all around the country.

Little Sally comes home from school one day and says to her mom, "Mommy, mommy, you won’t believe it! Little Johnny just pulled out his PP in class." The mother responded, "Well, what did it look like?" Sally said, "It looks like a peanut." The mother said, "Oh, it was small." "No, it was salty," said Sally.

How did the digital clock show off to its mother?

Look, Ma, no hands!