Mother: If your friend jumped off a bridge, would you follow?
Me: Leads a marching parade off the Golden Gate Bridge.
How does a hillbilly mother know when her daughter is on her period? Her sonās dick tastes like blood.
Mama milky?
I've heard stories of my mother. She was a teenager and left me in the blender, but luckily the power cut out, like at the orphanage.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out, I'm just a burden.
Dad: Alive.
Brother: Orphan (fault=Mother).
Me: Dead on the inside but sadly alive.
Mother: Alive...
Wait a minute... I thought you were dead, Mom... Right, you're dead to me at least.
I took my mother-in-law out today...
I love being a sniper.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother's face through the oven window as we played hide and seek, and she said: "You're getting warmer!"
"Yo mama so... Wait... Whose mother am I speaking of?"
Me: *reading a sign* "Children are a gift from god."
Me: "No, they are a gift from the underworld."
Mother: "Yeah, I picked you up at the gift shop on my way out."
Mother: "You are a spawn of Satan."
Some rules of childhood cricket:
1. Whose bat, his batting.
2. Mother called to go while fielding. Then the turn will not be missed.
3. If the Umpire's decision is not acceptable, the decision of the Spectator, Front Uncle, or Neighbor Aunt shall be final.
Explain bear still lives in his mother's basement.
You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?
Spy: Hahaha.
Me: What?
Spy: Time to pick up your mother.
Me: Oh no....
Why did the orphan cross the road?
He thought he saw his mother.
When you were born your mother said, "Oh, what a treasure!" Your father said, "Yeah, letās go bury it."
Whatās the difference between a mother and a girlfriend?
A girlfriend likes a bad boy.
My Mother: Wanna hear the song, "Chloe, your the one I want" on Pandora?
Me: No, I am tired of that song and I am annoyed by it.
Mom: Don't talk back to me like that, young lady.
Me: / someone else? - -gets silent in da room-
Brother: Yeah, this song is very annoying, but maybe better than the Chelsea song.
Joke is here now what do you do if you hear the name Chloe?
My wife is so ugly when she was born, the doctor said, "I did everything I could, but she pulled through anyways." When she was born, the doctor hung himself with the umbilical cord. He pushed her back in, said, "Not done." The doctor slapped her mother. The doctor looked at her and said, "Twins!" He didn't know what end to slap. He threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Once I went to a museum and overheard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"Oh, cool."
"This is Mother Teresaās clock; the clock hasnāt moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense."
"This is Abraham Lincolnās clock. The hands only moved twice, indicating he only lied twice."
"Whereās Trumpās clock?"
"Oh, weāre using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause itās so true.
