Morbid Jokes

Bully: I bet your dick is so small when you look down you can't see it.

Guy: I don't, I see your mom.

My Xbox has been acting up lately... So I painted it black to make it run faster.

*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."

Person 2: "Probably Bullets."

Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"

Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."

Person 1: "...."

Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."

Someone raped my ear, now I have hearing aids.

Why are the Chinese bad at baseball? Because they already ate the bat!

All jokes are funny with the correct delivery. Except for abortion jokes, there is no delivery.

A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

A guy walks into a magical forest looking to cut down a tree. The best one he can find is a magical talking tree. He holds his axe up ready to slice and begins to swing when the tree says, "Stop! I'm a magical tree. You can't cut me." "I'm a magical tree!" the man mocks, then as he goes to swing the axe he says, "You may be a magical tree... But you will dialogue!"

A man was mowing his lawn when blue and red stuff came out instead of grass. Next thing he knew, a smurf was on his shoulder asking if he’s seen his friend.

Last time I talked to my girlfriend, she was yelling at me to put the hammer down.

What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?

Hit your wife harder.

What do pedophiles and a SpongeBob intro have in common?

Are you ready kids?

My happiest moment in life was getting a positive grade on my H.I.V. test without studying.

A family of three, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie? It’ll be fun.”

“Ok,” the mom and son reply happily.

“Let me start,” says the son.

“Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom.

“I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son.

“Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom.

“You’re right!” He replies.

“I’ll go next,” says the dad. “I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.”

“Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son.

“The lie isn’t that you’re adopted,” says the dad.

Why did the Columbine High School basketball team lose the big game?

Because they lost their two best shooters...

How many babies do you need to paint a wall?

Depends on how hard you throw them.

What do most 50-year-old men put inside their cars?

Children.

What's worse than waking up with a penis drawn on your face?

Finding out it was traced.

I had a huge crush on this girl when I was eight. One recess we met together on the playground, and she brought me to the corner of the playground. That was my first kiss, and from there it got serious. I told my parents a week later and they freaked out, called the police, and they arrested my crush. I miss Mrs. Johnson.