Morbid jokes

Paul Walker's death was a tragedy, but at least he went out in a blaze of glory.

Police: Where do you live?

Me: With my parents.

Police: Where do your parents live?

Me: With me.

Police: Where do you all live?

Me: Together.

Police: Where is your house?

Me: Next to my neighbor.

Police: Where is your neighbor’s house?

Me: If I tell you, you won't believe me.

Police: Tell me.

Me: Next to my house.

So I asked my mom for a bath bomb, she just gave me a toaster.

What's the difference between Pikachu and an orphan?

Pikachu, I choose you!

What's the difference between a trampoline and a baby? I take my shoes off when I jump on a trampoline.

What’s one good thing about child molesters? They drive slow in a school zone.

The reason why the "eating a tide pod" trend ended so fast is because everyone that did it died.

If you watch "Jaws" backward, it will be a heartwarming story about a shark who gives arms and legs to disabled people.

I told my mother I wanted a brother for Christmas. The next day, I saw her in the strip club across the street.

Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Because they're dead.

Trying to make a baby talk is like trying to negotiate with North Korea.

What kind of woman does Bill Cosby like the most? The “cold and passed out” kind.

Why did Beyonce say "to the left to the left"?

Because women don't have rights.

Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.

So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.

I was gardening and found a chest full of blood... I forgot I was in the cemetery.

Ejaculated in her braces, call that children behind bars.

Hell in Greek times was known as cold and misty... so now just look at Seattle.

Friend says, "You were so drunk last night, you threw a mushroom at a midget and said, 'Grow, Mario, grow.'"

9/11 and Jenga are the same.

It's a controlled demolition.

I heard a neat little trick you can use to have a public pool all to yourself. If you blow a whistle 3 times, everyone will just get out!