Morbid jokes
What is burned dark and glued to the wall?
A bad electrician.
If a crippled man told stories about himself, would that be called VeggieTales?
What's the difference between a hamster and a cigarette?
They're both harmless until you stick them in your mouth and light them on fire.
I was hit on by President Kennedy, too bad I shot him down.
What is the pedophile's favorite shoe?
White vans.
You have a six-minute timer to live, but when you breathe, it resets.
Why did Yoda go to jail for rape?
He doesn't get consent; he just uses the force.
So my mom sent a text saying, "I'm gonna need help carrying groceries when I get back." That was 3 months ago.
"I hate when people make 9/11 jokes because my grandfather died during the Twin Tower attacks. He was the best pilot in Saudi Arabia."
I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.
A pregnant wife and her husband were in a hospital as she was in labor. The doctor suggested using a machine that transfers the birth pains from the mother to the father. They agree, so the machine is used. 40%, the husband feels nothing, 70% still not feeling anything, 100%, nothing.
The doctor says it must be broken. When the pair return home, the milkman is dead in the front yard.
My gf dumped me, so I took her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?
Ever tried Ethiopian food? No? Neither have they.
The word "ginger" is just the n-word reorganized.
I like my women like I like my microwaves.
Hot, ready to go when I am, and able to kill any baby I put in her.
- Mommy, what will I be when I'm grown up?
- Shut up, Sam, you've got cancer!
When an emo kid jumps out of a tree, what happens when he hits the ground?
Nothin' much, he just flops over an hour later when they untie the rope.
Teacher: Why did the skeleton know the weather outside?
Student: 'Cause he could feel it in his bones.
Teacher: No, he read the weather report, you fucking idiot.
modern feminism.
Never take a person canoeing or kayaking if they had a cerebrovascular accident.
They’ll hear the one word they hate the most: “STROKE, STROKE, STROKE!”