Morbid jokes
The orphanage was open in apps, but I didn’t see the home button.
At the restaurant, the waitress starts flirting with me. "She must have COVID," my wife said. "Why?" I asked. "'Cause she clearly has no taste." She responded.
Candy is dandy.
But liquor is quicker.
My teacher told me, "You have no idea how powerful this quote is." I looked at her and told her, "You don't know how powerful the shotgun in my bookbag is."
Why do trees never call emo kids?
The emos always hang up on them.
My brother called me short and ugly, so I called him an ambulance.
The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.
What is an orphan's excuse to leave a party?
"I'm gonna make like my parents and run."
Why did Joey drop his ice cream?
He was hit by a truck. (Don't worry, the truck was fine.)
"Ching chong, drop the bomb!"
What's a lesbian's favorite sport? Dodgeball.
A starving homeless kid asks me for food.
I said, "sorry, my plate is full."
My wife of 60 years told me, "Let's go upstairs and make love."
I just sighed and said, "Choose one, I can't do both."
What do you call an epileptic kid on cocaine?
An earthquake.
When I was born the doctors said, "it's a boy!" Then when they went to cut the umbilical cord, they cut the wrong thing. Then they said, "Oh, it's a girl."
I don't understand why, when I went to the shooting range today, the police came. Like, bro, I always go to elementary schools.
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
I was making a bet with my grandfather about who would die first. I said that I would die first.
He said "Bet" and died after he drank his coffee.
He was my least favorite grandparent.
"Mum, I just won this phone in a race!"
"Who was in the race?"
"The owner of the phone. And the police. I think they're at the door to congratulate me!"