Morbid jokes
Money and my mom are kinda the same thing; they come and leave easily.
Chiropractor: Final neck adjustment in 3, 2, 1. How did that feel?
Me: *silence*
Give a man a match, he'll be warm for a while. But set a man on fire, he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
What's the difference between my girlfriend and my uncle?
My girlfriend didn't go to jail for loving me.
I nailed my sister's... picture on the wall.
You dirty-minded bastard!
Kids?
Why is it that when I'm in school doing PE, it's fine for someone to say "boys against girls", but the moment I say "blacks against whites" I'm the bad guy?
What do McDonald's and a priest have in common? They both stick their meat in 10-year-old buns.
Doctor: "I have good news and I have worse news." Patient: "Well, what's the bad news?" Doctor: "You have one day left to live." Patient: "What news could possibly be worse?" Doctor: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday!"
My grandpa may be a pedo, but at least he slows down in the school car park.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Depression medicine and therapy.
GO AWAY!
I went up to my mom and asked how humanity started. She said it started with monkeys, so I went up to my dad and asked. My dad said it all started with Adam and Eve, so I told my dad that mom said humanity started with monkeys, and dad said mom was telling her side of the story. LOL🤣
A Christian Missionary walks up to some people and says, "Come! Meet Jesus!"
One of the guys takes out a knife and says, "You first."
What do JFK’s killer and a prostitute have in common?
“They both blow heads.”
Like if you have balls.
Bippity boppity, get the f*ck off my property.
So I went to Comic-Con and saw a man with an arm missing, and I thought, "Cool display," until I heard him screaming and getting the other arm chopped off. Then I said, "Man, now that's a 10/10 display, wow!"
My grandpa said I was too reliant on technology when he saw me on my phone. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
There's three kids: Little Drop, Little Feather, and Little Brick. Little Feather goes, "Mommy, why do you call me L'feather?" She answers, "Cuz a little feather fell over your head when you were born." L'Drop asks his mom, "Mommy, why do you call me L'drop?" She answers, "Cuz a little drop fell on your head when you were born." L'brick goes, "aafddkcasgbklcdahjkcbgtnhrfn."
A grandfather is on his rocking chair. His grandson comes to him and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds with a "no". His granddaughter then comes along and asks him to croak, to which the grandfather responds, "Why do you keep asking me to croak?" The granddaughter replies, "Because Dad says if you do, we get to go to Disneyland."