Morbid jokes
My mother wanted to test my responsibility and wanted me to cook dinner for the family to help me understand how it feels to constantly cook for a whole family. So, me with my horrible humor, decided to make a giant joke for when dinner time came around, and so I just got four plates and set them in front of my family and I then said, "Here you are, a fine African meal." Then everybody looked at me in disappointment, and then I continued to say, "What? Poor taste?"
I like my women like I like my wine, twelve years old, in the basement, and locked up.
My mom said, "Take out the trash," and I said, "Okay." The next day she asked, "Where is your sister?" and I said, "In line to get crushed."
Why can't two Chinese people have a white baby? Because "two wongs don't make a white."
a man died with an erection. the three nurses in the morgue saw this the first nurse climbs on and rides him. the second nurse dose the same the third hesitates saying "i'm on my period." the others say its ok hes dead so she rides him to. when she's done he sits up and all the nurses ask how hes alive he replies i'm good to go after the two jumpstarts and blood transfusion
What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.
They told me I could never be an actor.
No one suspected me when they went missing the next day.
What's the difference between drugs and kids?
I don't sell drugs.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A woman walks into a doctor's office. She schedules an appointment and sits down in the waiting room. When it's her turn to talk to the doctor, she describes all of her symptoms, and they're unlike anything he's heard before. The doctor runs a few tests and steps out of the room. He comes back later, and says, "Well, I have good news and bad news." The woman says, "I'll hear the good news first please." The doctor replies, "The good news is we're naming a disease after you!"
I was excited my teacher asked me for sex in exchange for a good grade, but then I realized I was homeschooled.
Man: What's up?
Me: I'm annoyed.
Man: Why?
Me: I stole my gf's heart.
Man: So why are you annoyed?
Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks.
What do you call a white man surrounded by black men? Coach.
Why do prostitutes love servicing zombies? They always leave a tip.
What’s Bin Laden’s favorite drink? Double Manhattan.
My memes are ironic, but my depression is chronic.
What's a similarity between your best friend and a tree?
They both fall over when you hit them with an axe.
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: Hey, what are you doing?
Child: Oh, I just milked one of your cows.
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls.
Child: *realizes*
How do you get a man with only one arm out of a tree?
Wave.
Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.