I got a handjob from a blind woman the other day. She said, "It's the biggest thing I ever had in my hand." I said, "No love, you're just pulling my leg."
What happened to the blind man's son. He thought he was hitting a pinyata.
I like my women like I like my wine, twelves Year’s old, in the basement, and locked up
What's the difference between a shooter and a bullied autistic kid? It depends on who's shooting.
Q: What’s the difference between me and cancer? A: My dad didn’t beat cancer...
Q: How do you know when an Asian broke into your house?
A: Your math homework is done, your computer is upgraded, and 2 hours later he's still trying to back out of the driveway.
suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry
The other day my friend messaged by saying “bro I have two pieces of bad news for you.” I told him to combine them. He replied with “your girlfriend is cheating on both of us.”
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
A Pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers, the passenger asks, "Why did you become a Pilot?" The Pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says "You're afraid of heights?". "No, i'm afraid of dying alone".
Child: *drinking milk*
Farmer: hey, what are you doing?
Child: oh I just milked one of your cows
Farmer: We don't have any cows, we only have bulls
Child: *realizes*
Man: whats up? Me: im annoyed Man: Why? Me: I stole my gf's heart Man: So why are you annoyed? Me: Everyone else in the surgery room gave me weird looks
i hate when i lose my white friends in the snow and my black friends in the dark. where do i lose my friends from Afghanistan? in an explosion
What makes suicide illegal?
Getting caught.
What did Hitler say after his parents bought a hauler
How much did the haulla-cost
Did you hear about the school shooting joke? Well, I won't tell you it's aimed at a younger audience.
Whats the benefit of taking a depressed kid to the store
Scan the wrist and you might get a discount
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
Friend:How dark is your humor? Me:It picks cotton
What do you call an all you can eat buffet for a Pedophile? A school bus.
