Morbid jokes

What's the best thing about abortion jokes? They never get old.

A man walked into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian responds with, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back!"

Simplest way to tell if dogs are better than cats: My dog is named Curiosity, and your cat is dead.

A mosquito with a Mario hat on flies on you saying, "It's-a me, Malario!"

My grandfather has the heart of a lion... And a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."

Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."

Wife: "No, you're not."

Santa was asked to describe Mrs. Claus in three words. His response was, "Ho ho ho."

I was walking down Main Street when I saw a child.

I told him, "I will give you 20$ if you get my balls back from the vet."

He replied, "Why did they take your balls sir?"

"Beer plus going to the vet does not work well for everybody, especially when you're a furry."

What do you call a burning church?

Holy smokes.

Who are the fastest readers in the world?

The people in the Twin Towers, because they went through over 100 stories in less than 10 minutes.

The emo kid tried to high five the tree.

But the tree left him hanging.

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

The Windows XP log out sound.

I bet my friend $5 that he would die drowning. A depressing but satisfying victory.

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?" The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born." The next calf comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born." The third baby comes up and asks, "Momma, why is my name Daisy?" The momma cow again replieds, "Well, when you were born a daisy petal fell on your head." The final baby walks over and says, "Huh Ruh Buh Duh!" The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock!"

A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind

I got sent to the principal's office for lighting the kid in the wheelchair on fire and calling him hot wheels.

You travel to the past into the era where Julius Caesar is still alive. He thinks you may be from the future to bring him good news. He asks you, "How do I die?"

You reply with: "Surrounded by friends."