Morbid jokes
I always say I'm single, which annoys my wife.
What do you call a kid with Down syndrome trying to beat Minecraft?
“A sped runner.”
What do Jesus and I have in common? Our dads left us...
What is a dead kid's favorite anime? Bleach.
Why do elephants paint their toes red, blue, green, orange, brown, and yellow?
So they can hide in a bag of M&Ms.
When I was acting up, my mother used to tell me, "I brought you into this world, and I will take you out. I gave you life, and I can also take it." So my son was acting up and talking back to me. Now I'm being charged with murder. I don't understand. I thought it was okay to kill your own kids.
Whoever invented school, I hope you burn in hell.
I have a pussy. It's very hairy. It has a long thing sticking out of it. It's also very hair. My hairy pussy meows and purrs.
Three guys are escaping from North Korea through a tunnel.
The guards know that they are coming and will shoot them with paintball guns as a warning.
The guys show up and the guards shoot them.
The guys die because the guards used real guns.
Osama Spin Laden, dropping beats like the twin towers.
I hit my friend.
He's dead now.
There are 5 cows in a field. One of them is the mom, the rest are kids. One of the kids walked up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Daisy?" and then a daisy fell on her head.
The second cow came up to the mom and asked, "Why am I named Rose?" and then a rose fell on her head. Then the 3rd cow said, "Why am I named Violet?" then a violet fell on her head. Then the 4th cow walked up and said, "Merrrbere." Then the mom said, "Shutup, cinder block!"
A surgeon loses his job as he botched a surgery.
boss: "We have to let you go."
surgeon: "I protest innocence."
boss: "How?"
surgeon: "I thought doing your job and saving people's lives were two different things."
boss: "Get out!"
What's the best part of working at an abortion clinic?
Free dog food.
What is the difference between an orphan and an apple?
Well, at least one gets picked.
How do you make a plumber cry?
Break his pipes...
I got suspended for asking an emo kid if he wants to hang out with me.
My name is Joe Biden, and I am running for US Senate.
Jack and Jill popped some pills to get a little tipsy.
Jack got a surprise and bloodshot eyes because Jill gave him a roofie.
What do you call it when a girl on her period goes swimming?
A blood bath.